Integrated Residents Continue Struggle

February.  The month of black history.  The month of love.  The month of groundhogs.  The month of presidents.  And, in 2008, there happens to be a black presidential candidate that loves February.  And, one would surmise that he also cares a great deal about the welfare of groundhogs.  But, we shouldn’t digress.  Here at MU, there are a record number of integrated residents from the class of 2008.  Nonetheless, we should never forget the bitter days of segregated residency.

When asked in one word what ‘integration’ means to him, M4 Alfred Johnson boldly proclaimed, “It means a guarantee for the future, reparations for my fourth year of medical school, and it means that doctors of all races can stand side-by-side to cure the world of the philosophy of hypocrisy!”

M4 Rob Mester, an anesthesiology applicant that has chosen the ‘segregated’ pathway through the match, defends his position adamantly, “I’m just not ready for integration.  It’s a fresh idea.  I’d like to give it time.  You know, see if it holds up.  Sounds more like a passing fad to me.”

An exuberantly integrated Dan Vestal proclaims, “Yeah!  Now is our time!  I have a dream…no…I am a dream!  I spend 24 hours a day in REM!”

Despite the growing trend for integration, there are still those that have serious doubts about this drastic transition. 

Amid the commotion, a frustrated Margaret Day screams at a crowd of pro-Match bigots, “Equal rights!  Equal pay!  Listen to jazz!”

An ambivalent Katie Connolly retorted, “What are they going to want next?  DEA numbers?”

M2s learn how to work as a team and color inside the lines

Medical students, nursing students, and other health professions students recently took the M2 labs by storm to form a multi-national task force aimed at finding and stomping out medical errors.  The verdict: errors are caused by people.  Just which people are at fault is still the subject of much debate. 

The medical students blame the nurses, the nursing students blame the doctors, and nobody cares what the health professions students have to say.

However, the summit also has more subtle goals in mind. The masterminds behind it hope to forge bonds of friendship and teamwork between the various future health care professionals, and they’re doing it by structuring the program to emulate something that all of the students have in common, an elementary school education.

In addition to times tables and spelling bees, each group has worked on defining the three best traits of an effective team.  According to the majority of M2 packets found in the dumpster, it appears that the most common traits listed are “teamwork,” “cooperation,” and “kill me now.”  When asked what their favorite part of the program was, Marty Nau said, “recess,” Brandon Cornelius said, “lunch,” and Amanda Diaguila said, “don’t give out the door codes.”

Notorious M2 being weird and annoying for no good reason again

Despite the widely accepted convention of referring to the seminal pathology textbook Robbins and Cotran Pathologic Basis Of Disease as simply “Robbins,” area medical student Emily Stuart is determined to go against the grain and instead call the text “Cotran.”

Said Stuart, “Some people think I’m doing this because I want to bring glory to the contributions of the oft-neglected Dr. Ramzi Cotran.  It has nothing to do with that.  I’m just doing it because I’m obnoxious.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to review the Cotran chapter on the GI tract."

This is not the first time that Mrs. Stuart’s affectations have created controversy.  During Block 6 she spearheaded an effort to get a class discount on Kaplan’s highly regarded “Q-bank” board review program, but was unsuccessful because she insisted on calling the product “Query Storage” when speaking with Kaplan representatives.

Sexual History

Family Medicine attending Debra Howenstein forced her M1 IPC group to reveal their sexual histories in Spanish during their group session today. "These kids need to be open with each other. It definitely draws them together, and they get to find out if they even have a chance with each other," Howenstein said. Obviously, the exercise made a few students uncomfortable. "I have four children and eleven grandchildren. Now, I don't know Spanish, but these youngsters should know the kind of bed I end up in at the end of the day," said M1 Lincoln Sheets. Ashley Millham stated, "True, Dr. Howenstein is hot, but I'm not really into telling her about it." Katie Malan, on the other hand, was four-square against the whole thing, saying, "I am four-square against this whole thing." After the first hour of mostly silence and painful one-liners from Jason Newman, Vince Horne confessed his secret love for scotch, which explained everything.

Out of season Santa mocks holiday for lovers – eats baby

The actual Santa Claus was seen shopping at the Columbia Mall last weekend.  When asked if he was looking for a Valentine’s day gift for Mrs Claus, Santa replied “Here’s a present for Mrs Claus”; and proceeded to release an audible flatus.  He continued in a slurred voice, “Besides. . . Valentine’s day isn’t even a real holiday.  You don’t get of work, do ya?  NO!  I didn’t think so.  What a crock of s*&%.” 

Many onlookers noted that he didn’t look to be in his usual Christmastime form, as he appeared to be intoxicated and wearing a woman’s tanktop.  “This is my off-season damnit! 

Even Derek Jeter lets himself slide a little bit in the offseason!”  Onlookers were horrified as he went on to eat a baby and later get arrested for shoplifting at Spencers.  Santa looks to stand trial next month for his baby-eating rampage.

M4s not doing their best work right now

Contrary to this time last year when the current class of M4s were working diligently on their notes and staying late to help out with any scut work that needed to be done, now the M4s are not doing that stuff so much anymore.  Not since these M4s were M1s have there been so many people striving for a “satisfactory” grade. 

Surgery resident Liz Ucheoma said, “These stupid M4s don’t ask if there is anything else that they can do.  Now, its up to us to actually do the work that we are paid to do.” 

Med-Peds resident Russell “Rusty” McCulloh commented on this phenomenon, “At this time last year when we were working with these people and I asked them what they wanted to do, almost universally students would tell me ‘Oh, Med-Peds for sure!’ or ‘I don’t know yet, but med-peds is high up there!’  Well, that is interesting because there are only two or three people from the class that are doing med-peds.  I feel so misled!!” 

The Dean tried to get some M4s point of view on this at the hospital, but everyone from that class was either asleep or out at the bars.

Personal Statement of the Month:  Justin Dyer

Why should I be your Emergency Medicine candidate? Well, man, let's start with this: because I'm pretty mother f@#&*%in' cool. Look at my f#%*in' sandals, dude. They're the shit. Yes, I did stop bathing early in my med school career, but I picked it up once again when my first mother f@#&*%in' attending told me it would be a good idea. I like to play with my dogs, get some lovin' from my hippie fiancé, and drink mother f@#&*%in' whiskey man. And mother f@#&*%in' Emergency Medicine is sweet man. Bringing mother f@#&*%in' dead people back to life is f*&#in' sweet. Sitting around all day talking about f%*&%in' potassium sucks. F#*k that. Oh, and ignore the chipmunk living in my hair.

Dear Ross,
I'm tired of being your beard. You will never give me the man love that you give Frazer, and I am tired of this charade.
Regretfully, Leah Reule

Dear Ben,
You now have 36 hours to work it out uninterrupted, so you can stop being ashamed and hiding from your girlfriend at the Artisan, and instead, go home with Donkey Lips and Salute Your Shorts.
Sincerely, Cialis

Dear Andy,
I'm ready to get serious, let's start hugging.
Love, Jeanna

Dear Frazer,
I think she knows about us.
Love, Ross

Dear Andy,
Why don't you return my calls? You act like giving a guy a boner while putting in a Foley means nothing. Well I have news for you, it meant something to me. I haven't urinated in days, and my bladder is full, just waiting for a helping hand and that gentle grip.
Sincerely, Sleeping Giant

Dear M1's that got married to each other,
Thank you. That gives the rest of us something to talk about for years.
Sincerely, Rest of Med School

Dear Dr. Fuller,
Being the Mayor of the Bootheel takes responsibility, so wrap that rascal, and beware the man-eating Gonorrhea in Kennett, MO. I will text you soon with what I plan to do to your body.
Love, Kennett Local

Dear Dustin Ricky,
I need you to drop the Minivan off at the shop, grab my kids from swimming lessons, pick up some Preparation H from Gerbes, and then come punish me before my husband gets home from the bar.
-Charlotte

OME,
I'm so glad we decided to make this exclusive, I mean the past 7 months have been truly magical. We knew when we started this that others would talk, that they wouldn't understand, but I don't care. I mean, who says once you go black you'll never go back?
-Love, White People

Dustin,
I love it that you love my children like a father.
-Cougar

Kate Williams,
Roses are red,
Violets are blue
What a coincidence,
Your fingers are too!
Yours truly, Raynaud.

Tim Todd,
Just wanted to say I like the teamwork we’ve got going on. See you tonight.
-Vaseline.

Matt Simmons,
Happy Valentine’s Day. Let’s get it on tonight.
Love, One of the 20 girls you’ve hit on in the last month.

Sexologist Extraordinaire (Emily Doucette),
If two Aquarius girls are at a club and they hit on a hot Gemini man with his Sagittarius girlfriend (her ex-boyfriend was a Leo and her dog is also an Aquarius), will there be a fist-fight, a dance-off, or a foursome? Scratch that…during the foursome, will there be chains, feathers, or midgets involved?

Randy,
Just wanted to say what’s up. I’m glad we’re so close, and I know that will never change.
-The Ceiling

Josh Summerside,
Do me. Do me well.
Love, Your objective

M1 class,
Looks like most of you have already taken matters into your own hands.
-Cupid

Dr. Simpson,
I’m glad you keep me so close to your heart.
Thanks, Eclipse.

Dear Adam,
I've been trying to stare at you while you lick peanut butter off your spoon every morning, but my nystagmus keeps acting up. I love you.
-Your dream girl, Crazy Eyes

"Ich liebe dich Christian."
-Your Porsche

Dear residency applicant,
We appreciate your numerous letters, enthusiasm and interest in our program. However, we feel that you are coming off a little desperate and feel that it would be best that we remain just friends. We'd like to say it's us, but really it's you. Best wishes with your future, please do not call anymore.

Dear Aaron Scott,
I know that you don't love me and that you never did. I just wanted to remind you that you're paying $140 every day for me. I guess the joke's on you.
Yours truly, The PBL Curriculum

Dear SDS,
I know that you love me heart and soul. I realize that I’m the sunshine in your life, but you have to stop groveling and asking if I love you back. I have received the numerous chocolates you sent, but as you know I could not eat them b/c I would get fat and not fit in my suit.
Maybe I Love You, Mayo

Dr. Krause,
When I dream of you, I picture you marsupialized, wearing a Santa hat, or on a cake, or with a shamrock in the background, or on a cardboard cutout heart.
-Smelly the Opossum

Dr. Gardner,
Apparently diet and exercise don't work.
How much leptin is in a 6" subway club?
-Jared

Dear M2's,
Valentines Day means that spring and summer are right around the corner. I hope you're ready because soon I'll be doing you slowly at a medium pace.
-Yours Truly, Step 1

Dear Fallan,
I've recently found out that it takes years for neurosyphilis to develop, SO STOP BLAMING ME FOR YOUR HEADACHES.
-Love, Trevin

Dr Thai,
Word on the street is that you’ve got a thing for me.  Well let me tell you, the feeling is mutual.  What’s more, I’ve recently discovered a new bacterium that you might be interested in.  Genus: Barackococci. Species: obamalactiae.  Common name: “The Love Bug.”  It’s multidrug resistant, and it goes straight for your heart.  Soon to be infecting the nation, and you’ll be the first victim.
-Barack Obama

Sean Conus,
You’re the McCartney to my Lennon.  I am nothing without you.  Let’s never fight again.
-Zach Hamilton

Camp Hickory Hill,
I’m counting down the days until we will meet again.  The memories of fishing in an untreated lake, devouring graham crackers and peanut butter, listening to Jake Quick talk about diabetes complications, shooting arrows into trash-cans, and playing capture the flag are all I have to help me make it through this sad, long winter.
-Eric Ladd

Wanted: 4-6 Hoes to go with my Pimp Coat; I’ve got buckets of cash and I pay well.
-Casey Martinez

Mysterious M1,
I’ve been crushing on you ever since I first saw you in the library last block.  If only I had a class composite of the M1s, then I’d know your lovely name.  Maybe we could meet at the PBL shelves sometime soon and get to know one another a bit better.
-Brian Hess

Jordan Brown,
You are amazing. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t get to see your handsome face or hear your sexy voice every day. I love you.
Love, Jordan Brown

Katie Myers,
Hope school is going well for you.  Make sure you show the other kids how
smart and well connected you are.  And remember, don't be afraid to give
everyone your opinion.  Love you, honey.
-Dad

Zack Shanitkvich,
Please come to my house tonight and tell me more about the A spot.  I am
interested to see your personal research on the subject.
-Dr. Hemme

Bret,
We’re both so busy with school that we never get a chance to enjoy the physical act of love at home. So, I’ve reserved a private place for us at school. The morgue can be a wonderful, erotic mix of aromas.
-Love, Erica

Josh Summerside,
I love our relationship. Your lips are luscious and I’m so lucky I get sucked by them so much. Don’t forget our date tonight. We’ll just take it easy and relax together.
Love, Mary Jane

Dustin Smith,
I need you.  I miss the feel of your lips.  You complete me.
-A perimenopausal balloon knot.

To the nazis guarding the parking spots in front of the library: Kiss me!
Signed, My Ass

Evan Cameron,
I had a good time puncturing Marty’s arm.  But that was just a relationship of convenience.  Now I’m ready for a long-term, meaningful bond with someone else.  Someone with bigger and better extremities.  You’re mine, Cammy.
-Lab H Stapler

Dear Jessica,
I hope you got the flowers we sent you. However, they do tend to get lost in the mail.
Love, The boys of lab D

My Dearest Shirt,
Oh how I love thee!  You're blue!  You're made of denim! You have buttons and a collar!  As a token of my admiration, I shall wear you at least three times a week, every week.
-Debbie

Kara Ehlers,
I know I've caused you a lot of trouble.  I'll be the first to admit that.  But surely the good times we've had together outweigh the bad.  I mean, are you really going to let a silly thing like celiac disease stand between us?
-Gluten

Matt Page,
Are you serious?  I was played out when David Beckham sported me in the 2002 World Cup.  And yet it's 2008 and we're still together.  I think it's painfully obvious that it's time for us to go our separate ways.
-Faux-hawk

Katie Chierek.
Sure, I can be a bit abrasive. All the loud grunting, the pep-talks to myself, the demands for you to spot me.  But you know you can't resist my muscles.  I've seen you over there smiling and giggling at me.  So just admit, it.  You're totally smitten with me.  And tell that sissy fiance of yours it's over (I bet he can't dip half the weight that I can).
-Creepy guy at the gym in the early morning

Dear Jean,
You are the applet of my eye.
-Philip

Andy Ausmus,
We have had some great times together.  Really...I owe everything to you.  Keeping you warm in these cold winter months has been the high point of my short life.  Our Brawny paper towel commercial was special too.   It breaks my heart to say this, but Jade Tam has offered me a position as her new fur coat, and I'm taking it.  I'll always remember you.
Love, your beard.

Josh Summerside-
You've recently been wearing pink ties, drinking coffee out of some fruity French press, and straightening your hair with a chi iron before lecture. I feel like we're losing touch...
-Sincerely, Your Manhood

Allison,
Your father and I are so proud of you.  Study hard and we'll see you on block break!
Love, Mama Howard.
P.S. I have enclosed some salve for that chip on your shoulder.

Dear Class of 2011,
We'll be e-mailing all of you throughout your tenure here with houses and books for sale, events you don't want to attend, and taunts about Fuller. Get used to it. Kisses!
-The Rest Of Us

Dr Hwang,
I ruv you!
-H. Pyrori.

Zach Shanitkvich,
You’ve never paid much attention to me. I just wanted you to know I care about you and would love to be used by you. Use me, oh use me, especially when you want to talk dirty.
-Love, Your inhibition.

Dear Neil Shea,
I'm so darn proud of you.
-Love, Bernard Marfan

Dear Linc,
I miss you so much. It's been a long time.
-Your Youth