Docappella makes noise in more ways than one

Docappella broke onto the Columbia music scene a few months ago when they opened for Gainor and Friends, at a concert in the hospital atrium. But it wasn’t easy. They had to overcome a few obstacles before they’d become one of the premier bands on Hospital Drive.

After playing such huge venues like S255 and M105, the group decided to branch out and go for the big money. “We thought the stairway by the library would really get us in the public eye,” said Elliot Pennington, one of the group’s original members. “We were out there belting out a love ballad, when Dr. Hosokawa came out waving a broom and telling us to ‘shoo.’ It was a big scene, and we had to scatter.”

In general, the student body has been supportive of their efforts to bring outdated music to the masses. However, others haven’t been as supportive of the group. “The Missourian asked a simple question a few months ago when they entitled an article, “Is there a doctor in the band?” The problem with their title is that the answer is simply, ‘No.’ Docappella is an aberration and a farse. They aren’t doctors,” explained M3 Shayna Norman. “Dude,” M2 Jen Jolley yells down the hall, “can you guys please shut the hell up. Nobody cares.”

That didn’t stop the octet however. “We were determined to push forward,” said Clayton Butcher, a member of the group. The group struggled to land new gigs. After being tossed out of the library, the ER and, of all places, the operating room, they received some important news.

Apparently being single for 24 years finally paid off for James Peppers and the rest of his crew. “Columbia Magazine was doing a Valentine’s Day issue where they featured me,” said Peppers. “I talked up the band, and we had instant credibility. By the way, I’m still single.”

Since then, they’ve booked sold out shows in Brady Park and the bus stop north of the medical school. “We’ve got big plans, including a little something we’ve got planned for the common area near the M1 labs,” exclaimed Matt Fieleke, “We’re gonna be huge.”

Former M1/Current ObGyn Resident Reveals True Identity

Columbia, MO--In an amazing true-life twist rivaled only by Hollywood imagination, Billy Sherman, the one time Class of 2008 M1, surfaced this week after more than two years of mysterious absence.  His far more mature brother, current M1 William Sherman, told TBD that “our family is beside ourselves with excitement and relief” that his long-lost brother has returned.

While questions surrounding the disappearance continue to linger in the family and among his former friends in the M3 class, most have eagerly put aside the confusion for the moment to appreciate the joy of the occasion.  M3 Amy Youngyeun says, “I didn’t really know him, you know?  But, it was, like, a total relief to see him again.  It’s weird, you know, especially considering I was mad at first because I had to do all of his unfinished objectives, but that was so long ago.  He’s such a sweetie.  I’m just glad he’s alive.”

The mystery started nearly two years ago when the elder Sherman stopped coming to class.  “It wasn’t all that surprising at first,” second year Med/Peds resident at MUSC and former PBL tutor Evan Williams said.  “He pretty much skipped at least one PBL session a week before that.”  However, as the days turned to weeks and then to months, the mystery grew and theories developed—off to fight in Iraq, ran away with a former M1 female…the most accepted theory was that he got a job as a teacher.  What nobody suspected, however, was the amazing truth:  Billy Sherman was no slacker after all.  Quite to the contrary, Billy was brilliant, and, in recognition of his genius, he graduated after only a few months as an M1 and was given a PGY2 position as an Ob/Gyn resident here at the University of Missouri. 

He excelled and moved forward in the program.  Soon thereafter, he became disgruntled with the military and their rigidity, so he changed his identity, said goodbye to his life as Billy, and became the physician all upperclassmen know well as fourth year Ob/Gyn resident Dr. Jacqueline Morgan.  Dr. Morgan was unavailable for comment, but she provided a statement that reportedly says she is revealing her true identity because she “can’t bring herself to use this stupid Australian accent any longer”.

Nearly every MU med student contacted had something to say.  “Dude, what the hell…Sure, now that I look I guess I can see it…but dude.  Holy Aussie!” M3 Jeff Spear exclaimed.  With furrowed brow, M1 Kate Mahoney said, “I’m just really confused right now.  I need some time to think.”  M2 Kathryn Becherer probably had no comment, but her classmate David Brooks had much to say.  “Holy shit.  I totally thought Dr. Morgan was hot.  Damn it!  That’s twice this year!”  M3 Colin Sauer thinks he remembers Billy:  “I think I remember Billy”, he told TBD.  M4 Brent Benscoter, on the other hand, was probably the only one who wasn’t surprised.  “Come on,” he said.  “This happens every year here at MU.  For example, I bet those M3s still think Hamid got kicked out.”

Needless to say, the United States Army still has questions for the former West Point graduate and plans to meet with Dr. Morgan immediately following her Friday colposcopy clinic.

Medical students are the bottom of the heap when it comes to patient care. We often find ourselves at the back of the line as we round on the wards, and the only view we usually get is of the attendings' backside. So, with your expert experience, can you recognize these attendings from the rear?

Donor Eggs Vandalized: Colored Children Soon to Come

Missouri Ob/Gyn Associates has submitted a formal apology to the recipients of donor eggs last spring. Apparently, the technicians were having some fun and decided it was a good idea to dye eggs for Easter. Unfortunately for those children in the making, the eggs they dyed were the ones they obtained from the paid donors.

The parents of the now three month olds are wondering how the Ob/Gyn Department can right this wrong. When asked for comment, Dr. Kersten of the Department of Child Health looked a little pissed.

Clerkship Evaluations to Change Next Year

In the progressive manner characteristic of the OME, online evaluations for M3 clerkships will be getting a facelift this spring.  Dr. Kimberly Hoffman recently submitted an official statement to the student body:

“Finally enough data has amassed to empirically show that we’ve been screwing the class of 2008 all year long.  Yep.  Clearly the 1-9 scale we implemented didn’t work out this year.  Nor did the checkbox-friendly, pre-written lists of items that are too numerous to count.  The evaluation system has, however, given us invaluable data and insight into what physicians are really looking for in their students.  Unbeknownst to us, they care not about trivial items such as knowledge base, physical exam skills, interpersonal skills, or enthusiasm.  If they did, there would have been some sort of measurable correlation between student evaluations and actual performance on the rotation.  So, we present the new and improved online evaluation format.  Thank you.”