*Disclaimer* To all confused family members who read this article. This is not a real news story. It is a joke. Please treat it as such and move on with your lives.
(reprinted from the Columbia Tribune)
11:00 pm, Tuesday night, two weeks before the block exams.Ý Where would you expect to find medical students?ÝÝ The library?Ý The cadaver lab?Ý In bed?Ý Well, youíre getting closer.Ý Hereís a hint: if youíre a male, you may have very well seen them out at night in Columbia.Ý Thatís right, a few select female medical students have taken up the hobby of stripping for the local nightclub, Club Vogue.Ý
To find these entertainers outside of class or off stage is a chore, but we managed to catch up to a few of them this week.Ý One such stripper, Mozow Yusof, was able to talk about the different aspects of her new profession.Ý ìI was pretty shy at first, but after a few performances, it seemed like second nature.Ý You really get a rush up there, and the tips are good.Ý The money certainly helps out with tuition, but to tell you the truth- I would probably do it for free if I had to.î
Another dancer, Jamie Joyce, also relates to the excitement.Ý ìItís so nice to be around older men that are appreciative of me.Ý In class, I like to sit in front, just to catch the eye of the professors.Ý My heart skips a beat during lecture when I get a brief glance from Misfeldt or Rosenholtz.Ý To be on stage, the sole focus of the crowdís attentionÖ. I canít describe it.Ý These men are much more sophisticated and financially well off.Ý And besides, you have to start a patient base somewhere, and the patrons here are really an untapped resource.î
Minnie Sandhu takes a different approach to performing.Ý While Mozow and Jamie are more conventional dancers, Minnie likes to incorporate her other profession.Ý ìI prefer to use props during my routine.Ý Iíll go out there in my white coat, and by the end of the song Iíll have nothing on but my stethoscope.Ý Iíll use other objects too; an otoscope, a speculum, whatever.Ý Anything that gets the crowd worked up.îÝ However, there are downfalls to the new job.Ý ìWorking nights is really wearing me out.Ý While before I might sleep only one hour during PBL, I find myself passing out for two, two and a half hours in one session.îÝ
Christy White is another proponent of accessories; her staple is a cheerleading outfit complete with dance moves from her former days as an instructor.Ý ìI have the experience, and I think the guys really like it.Ý Iím starting to make a lot of money doing this.îÝ Is she the biggest bread-earner of the class?Ý ìNo, that would be Kate Steuve.î
At this point, Christy pauses, seeming to reflect on an emotionally difficult situation.Ý ìKate has gotten really caught up with the whole stripper persona.Ý She rarely goes to class now, and when she does itís after an all-nighter of dancing, drinking, and drugs.Ý All she wears is black leather, and her PBL locker this block is full of whips and chains.Ý Do you want to know why she pulled that choke job during the last flag football playoff game?Ý She had just gotten back from a weekend drinking and gambling binge up in Boonville with some guy she had just met at Vogue.Ý She hadnít slept in 48 hours.Ý And you know, I think sheís even working at Reginaís on the side.îÝ A lone tear rolls down her right cheek.Ý ìI donít even know who she is anymore.î
Despite Steuveís demise, the girls are gaining widespread notoriety across town.Ý And not only are local Columbians appreciative of the girlsí efforts, their classmates are taking notice as well.Ý ìIím there 5 to 6 nights a week anyway, and itís that much better when I actually know the dancers,î says Marcus Wade, a second year student.Ý ìIím now using my stage illumination expertise from class and have started helping them set up their lighting backgrounds.Ý Iím thinking about becoming their ëmanagerí.îÝ
Blake Gornowicz, another second-year med student, strongly agreed.Ý ìGranted, Iíve actually already had most of these girls.Ý But now I get to see them without paying for dinner, a movie, and all that jazz.Ý Thatís one hell of a deal.îÝ
So who started this new trend of dancing med students?Ý ìSarah Wiederholt was the instigator in all of this.Ý She was the first one who started dancing, who broke the ice,î reported Yusof.Ý ìApparently, Judy Nolke made an offhand comment to Sarah about how she used to work there during undergrad.Ý Sarah took the idea and ran with it.Ý Sheís been there the longest now, and she really has established herself.Ý You might say sheís developed almost a cult following.îÝ
But Mozow doesnít completely approve of all of Sarahís actions.Ý ìSarah always seems to take it the extra step.Ý Sheís all about the money.Ý Whatever a guy wants, sheíll oblige in the back room.Ý She just gives up her body like itís nothing.Ý On busy nights, Iíve even seen her go back with 3 or more guys- all at one time.Ý Sheís even applying this attitude to her personal life.Ý We all went to Notre Dame the other weekend, and she was going home with guys left and right who she had just met out at bars that night.Ý I donít think I could do that.îÝ
Sarah, who goes by the stage name of ìThe Spermologist,î declined to be interviewed for the article, but she did throw this barb towards Yusof.Ý ìHell, Iíll take the opportunity if itís there, and with my body, itís definitely there.Ý Mozow just doesnít have what it takes.î
Regardless of their dancing styles, their feelings about
performing, or their bodies, these girls are easily worth the price of
admission.Ý As this reporter viewed the
medical students, slightly intoxicated on a Wednesday night, a few chosen
lyrics popped into my head:Ý "Doctor,
doctor, give me the news; Iíve got a bad case of loving you.î