INVESTIGATIVE REPORT:

The Associated Press

The urology clinic video, ìProstate Exam Technique,î missing from the Office of Medical Education since mid-September, has been found but not recovered.

            Dr. James Campbell, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he discovered the tape in its new location on a recent visit to the Olde Un Theatre, 101 E Walnut.

            ìI just remember it was busier than usual,î Campbell said. ìThere was a line leading into a back room, so I went to investigate. I started to hear noises, vaguely familiar, and the musicÖ I think thatís what really keyed me into it. Such a distinctive rift. I knew it couldnít be anything else.î

            Indeed, after a 20-minute wait, Campbellís suspicions were confirmed. ìProstate Exam Technique,î former tool of medical education, was the feature presentation in seven of ten private viewing booths.

            ìItís been a god-send,î Rolph Chessman, owner of the Olde Un, said. ìOur profits are up 200 percent. Customer traffic is the highest Iíve seen since the Hasselhoff stills. This tape has rejuvenated our business and you can tell Carol Cox, Tammy PhanakaÖ whats-her-name, whoever, that we will not give it up, not to the OME, not to the HSL, not to any other competitor.î

New sensation or passing fad?  

            The sudden popularity of ìProstate Exam Technique,î bootleg copies of which have sprung up in theaters and coffeshops throughout the Midwest, is not surprising, according to some experts in the field.

            Rick Fingle, backroom custodian at the Olde Un, believes the market was ripe for just such an offering.

            ìItís the nature of the business to move in waves, from one trend to the next,î he said. ìA lot of our customers have seen it all and theyíre looking for that new slant. For awhile, it was the teen solos, then pregnant wives and lovers, then the class reunion gang bang, what have you. Up to now, weíve seen palpation of most every nub and cranny, but never the prostate. It was only a matter of time.î

            Couples too, are finding the video provocative, and even educational.

            ìItís brought new life into our relationship,î customer Beth Samuels said. ìI mean, we were just like anyone else. Things were hot in the beginning, then two years go by and the passion dies. Itís like, ëOK, heís rubbing my inner thigh, kissing my nape, I guess that means I reach around andÖí well, you know. It becomes stale, a tired routine you play out twice a month just for old times sake. But now thisÖ itís a whole new feeling. They say a woman doesnít have a prostate, but heís definitely been hitting my spot, call it prostate or whatever you like.î

            Despite such rave reviews, some scholars view the prostate genre as little more than a fad.

            ìPeople will get tired of it, like they get tired of anything else,î Dr. Gene Edmonds, MU professor of film said. ìRight now itís sizzling, itís sexy, sure. But you think about it and realize that youíre not even seeing the stuff. Itës tucked way up there, out of view of the camera. You have to use your imagination to picture its texture, size, color, movements. People donít want suggestions of erotic. They want the money shot, in their face, in their eye, poking and probing, not peeking out from some darkened chasm.î

            Rex Harding, local filmmaker and owner of XXX, a video shed at mile marker 330 off interstate-70, agrees that the prostateís lack of visibility is a problem. Yet it is a problem, he says, that has its solution in modern technology.

            ìWeíve already experimented with fiber optics, sending cables up there to light things and get a better view,î he said. ìOf course, there is some difficulty with the mechanics of it. Inevitably, the finger knocks the cable out of place or clouds the lens with jelly, or the cable  inhibits finger motility. A lot of my actors have said itís very difficult to twist with the cable in the way. So weíve experimented with scoping from the mouth down, through the esophagus, jejunum and onward, allowing us to meet the finger from the opposite direction. That way, both the cables and the finger have room to do what they need to do.î

A New Use For the Old and Used

            Repercussions of the rising popularity of ìProstate Exam Techniqueî are being felt far beyond the skin shops of middle Missouri. Veteranís Administration hospitals throughout the Midwest are reporting unprecedented numbers of applications for ward volunteers.

            ìMostly they want to work in urology,î Ethel, a 92 year-old front desk occupant said. ìThey like to feel the prostates and frankly, if thatís what turns them on, I say go for it. We can use the extra help. And however much the volunteers like it, the patients benefit most. They donít enjoy the regular sticks so much, but they sure appreciate the company afterward.î

However, according to volunteer coordinator Sandy Knipple, not all patients are being satisfied.

ìWe try to encourage volunteers to stay and talk after they do their thing,î she said. ìWe have had some problems in that area. Some will probe in one room and be into the next before the glove hits the bottom of the trash barrel. Others just sort of shut down after the act. Itís strange. One minute theyíre talking, enthusiastic, eager to please, anxious even. The next, theyíre turned to the door, mumbling responses if even acknowledging the patientís desperate pleas for affection.î

            Though not encouraged by hospital staff, VA patients have increasingly been receiving visits from producers, directors and other elements from the adult film industry.

            ìWe want big prostates and theyíve got the biggest,î Harding said. ìIn fact, thereís word of a guy in Jeff City whoís got 12 inches between his legs. They say when he tries to pee and it swells up from irritation to its erect size, so much blood leaves his head that he faints. Thatís crazy and I donít know if I believe it, but these are the sorts of stories weíre hearing. And I have seen some big ones myself.î

Med Students Feel Their Way Into New Era of Education

            Of course, the recent onslaught of volunteers and others to sample the prostates of VA patients has not been without its consequences. Now in a position to charge a per-palpation fee, the VA is no longer accepting 1^st year medical students for summer practice prostate exams. Thus, med students are finding themselves with no prostates to feel but their own or possibly, according to Dr. Michael Hosokawa, those of students-to-be.

            ìItís an idea weíve kicked around,î Hosokawa said. ìWe think it could be the centerpiece of interview day, a way to break the ice and calm some nerves before the faculty interviews. Additionally, I think it would be tremendously valuable in terms of establishing relationships between older and younger students. Thatís been a goal of ours in the past and weíve tried a number of things. The Med Buddy program seemed promising, but turned out to be just an awkward lunch, an exchange of phone numbers and then a ëfarewell, hereís my number, I donít expect you to call, so enjoy the next four years and fend for yourself.í We really feel that by having older students subjecting younger students to prostate exams, it will open up an entirely new level of intimacy in that relationship. From my perspective, thatís one of the real advantages to this program.î

Probing the Case: A Search for the Mystery Finger

            Some controversy has emerged since the debut of ìProstate Exam Techniqueî at the Olde Un. As of yesterday, four men and one woman have claimed that the buttocks depicted in the film is indeed his or her own.  The womanís claim was initially rejected by experts on the basis that females do not have prostates. However, the woman claims to posses an XXY genotype with ambiguous genitalia and a prostate of eunichoid proportions, enhanced with hormone therapy.

            What the public really wants to know, however, is to whom does the finger belong?

The possibility has been raised by some that the finger may have originated from the receiver of the exam, that the demo was in fact a ìreach-around,î as described in the literature.

            ìItís not impossible,î urologist David Weinstein said. ìYears of work, you get very proficient and flexible with that finger. Still, there is a delicate balance. Too early in your career, you just donít have the skill. Too late, youíre getting older, losing dexterity. Itís a very small window of opportunity. Two, maybe three years, is all youíve got to work with.î

            Dr. Jay Dix, forensic pathologist and medical examiner, says such a maneuver, while theoretically possible, is highly unlikely in the case of ìProstate Exam Technique.î

            ìIíve seen the video so many times now and Iím convinced it has to be a homologous finger,î he said. ìYou look at the angle of entry, the efficiency of propulsion, the smooth glide and you realize itís almost impossible for a man to administer that on himself. Anyway, heíd have to be awfully skilled and Iíd like to meet the man for that job.î

            Some believe they know who that man may be.

            ìDr. Salzer is really the only man with the fingers for it,î Dr. Stephen Braddock, clinical dysmorphologist, said. ìYou know it probably wouldnít even be difficult for him. That son of a bitch could wrap twice around his leg and still have room left over to feel up to his cecum. The man is truly a phenomenon of nature.î

            ìYeah, itís possible,î Dix said. ìIf anyone could do it, Salzer could. But the question is, would he? I donít think so. Can you imagine putting fingers that large into a hole that small? Can you imagine the trauma? No, Billís pretty stoic, but not even heís up to that.î

            However, over the course of the investigation, other videos and power point slides have been seized from the office of Dr. Salzer. One picture in particular has roused the suspicion of authorities. In it, a large inflamed hole sits beneath a tuft of black hair. Salzer described the orifice as an ìasshole,î and some believe that it may be a picture of his own.

            ìThat sort of damage, the breadth of that cavern, itís astounding,î Braddock said. ìThey say a fungal infection could do it, but I say nothing short of Salzerís meat tongs could open a shoot like that. It was a self-job if you ask me. No doubt about itî