Dr. Everett to be Cryogenically Preserved

 

    After months of speculation, Dr. Ronald Swinford, Chairman of the Department of Internal Medicine, announced Friday that one of the department's most highly esteemed physicians, Dr. E. Dale Everett, will be cryogenically preserved after his imminent retirement.  "The department has been grappling with the news that Dr. Everett will be retiring.  His clinical skills and knowledge are beyond reproach, he is a master teacher, and he is the consummate ambassador for his school, his department, and his profession.  We really weren't sure what we'd do without him.  In the end, the decision to freeze him was a no-brainer." 

            Program Director, Dr. Charles Brooks, was first to propose the idea.  "People were tossing around ideas like making him a professor emeritus or just having him teach the residents.  I realized how myopic and selfish we were being.  What if someone three hundred years from now needs his expertise forÖ I don't know, let's say for bacteria that might infect their half-man/half-machine brain?  Yeah, they'd be screwed.   I figured that we could just freeze him like they did to that Walt Disney guy and just thaw him out whenever we needed him."

           

            The respect with which people refer to Dr. Everett is remarkable.  The Infectious Disease specialist has been credited for his expertise in tick borne diseases and especially for the discovery of ehrlichiosis.  Lesser known are his contributions to the Camp David Peace Accords, the 1969 Miracle Mets, and the slicing of bread.  Dr. Everett had reportedly wished to investigate a cure for the common cold before the decision was made to freeze him. 

 

            Long-time protÈgÈ, Dr. Will Roland, was asked to break the news to his mentor and colleague.  "At first he laughed at me.  Then I explained the whole freezing processÖ still didn't believe me.  I don't think that he's really taking any of this very seriously.  In the end, maybe I wasn't the right person to tell him."

 

            Chief Resident and life-long sci-fi dork Dr. D.J. Denby engendered the idea to "pull a ruse like they planned for Luke in The Empire Strikes Back.  All we need to do is freeze one of his good friends in carbonite."

 

            "Usually we ignore him when D.J. starts talking about Star Trek or the Matrix or God knows what, but he may have actually been onto something." Dr. Brooks continued, "I think the plan now is to 'surprise' him at his retirement with his 'gift'.  I think the hardest part will be to keep Dr. Denby from using his 'jedi mind tricks' or dressing up like a jawaÖ again."

 

            Cryogenic preservation is a slow and delicate process.  Over a period of two days, Dr. Everett's body will be frozen to 77 Kelvin.  At this temperature his metabolic rate will be slow enough to be in a veritable state of suspended animation.  He will remain in this condition until needed, at which point he will be thawed slowly over the course of several days.

 

            Dr. Brooks went on to say, "We have formed a committee to oversee when and under what circumstances Dr. Everett will be unfrozen.  I'd hate for him to be thawed out to treat a UTI or change a tire or something like that.  We are trying not to be all willy-nilly about the whole thing."

 

            Dr. Denby mentioned, "I agree with Dr. Brook's insistence on a policy of non-willy-nillyness.  We will only thaw him out in life and death situations.  The truth is that if Dr. Everett doesn't know what is wrong with you, you might as well bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.  Assessment and plan:  Don't buy any green bananas!"

 

            The NIH and Department of Defense have mentioned their own concerns over the plan to cryogenically preserve E. Dale Everett, MD.  The Defense Department stated that "as a matter of national security it may be in our country's best interest to break up Dr. Everett's body into seven pieces and have it scattered across the globe.  We would hate for someone like him to fall into the wrong hands.  The leviathan force of Dr. Everett's mind should be used for good, instead of evil.  We plan to have armed guards at all seven 'Everett Locations'.  When the time comes, we will put him back together like Voltron to save the world."

 

            Dr. Everett himself has been rather reluctant to comment on the matter saying only, "Yes, that Dr. Roland is pretty funny."

 

            Although his retirement will be a significant blow to the Department of Internal Medicine, the long-term hope of the cryogenic preservation of Dr. Everett is to tap into the genius of one of the world's best clinicians for generations to come.