AWA Investigated for Hazing

            After weeks of accusations and denials, Interfraternity Council president Mitch Morgan announced Monday that the MU chapter of AWA (AOA) is under investigation for hazing practices.  The chapter in question is part of a well-recognized and highly esteemed national fraternity that honors the efforts of the top medical students in the country.  It has been rumored for years that this highly prestigious organization engaged in high-risk rituals that endangered its new members.

IFC President Morgan said "AWA has been a black eye on this campus for as long as I can remember.  They have reflected poorly upon this institution and on the Greek community as a whole.  When allegations of hazing are brought up we normally feel that the chapter in question should be given the opportunity to rectify themselves.  AWA has repeatedly ignored our requests to deal with this situation.  We felt that it was in the best interest of the University, IFC, and the members of AWA to proceed with a formal investigation."  Morgan added "Go TigersÖ Woooo!"

Cited in the investigation are complaints ranging from requiring that pledges wear enema bags as hats to branding new members with hot irons.  One violation outlined how senior members would pimp the new initiates and require them to drink after every question answered incorrectly. 

AWA President Dipanjan Banerjee said of the purported hazing, "People who aren't in our house donít understand the sorts of things that go on.  They don't seem to comprehend that what we are doing is building brotherhood.  I mean, if those dorm rats would just get a life, they'd realize that ottering is team-building and not just homoerotic."

New AWA initiate Sarah Garwood supported the claim.  "Dip is right.  At first, I was rather apprehensive about the things they were asking me to do.  But after it was all over I realized the value of each activity we did.  Thank God for the elephant walk."

AWA Vice President Rhonda Walsh added that "I'm tired of answering questions about our sleepovers.  Why are all of the investigators so curious about every little detail about how the women in the organization would put on thong underwear and have pillow fights?  That's not hazing; it's just a bunch of girls having funÖ naughty, sensual fun."

Rumors of the hazing have trickled their way to the M1 class.  "I heard that they make their pledges go to the roof of the hospital and they tie a brick to their genitalia.  Then they make them throw the brick off the roof, only the string is too long or it's tied to a puppy or something like that.  I also heard a rumor about some farm animals," said Jason Smith. 

When asked how much of the rumors he believed, Smith responded "I don't trust those goat-fuckers any farther than I can throw them."

These and other contentions will be investigated by members of Greek Life, IFC, and Student Affairs.  According to IFC President Morgan "We plan to do everything in our power to ensure that future members of their fraternity are not subjected to the sort of humiliation and frank endangerment seen in recent years.  We plan on being as objective as we can as we realize that there is a significant jealousy factor that may have lead to the accusations in the first place.  Nothing seems to irritate elitists more than being excluded from an elitist organization."

Saint Louis University medical students were shocked by the recent news.  Third year student Michael Gruber said "That is really surprising to hear that kind of stuff happening to AWA.  You see, the AWA house at SLU is just a bunch of dorks.  They always get the bottom of the rush barrel.  To hear that an AWA house is actually doing anything like that is pretty amazing.  They ought to come over here and haze their SLU brothers into shape."

As this inquiry is the third in as many years, Student Life has placed the organization on social probation.  They will be unable to hold their own social events or participate in campus-wide activities.

"We were really excited about doing Greek Week with AWA," said Kathy Lawson of KAq sorority "it just sucks that a few people can ruin it for us all."  It had been reported that the long-term goal of this year's Greek Week partnering between AWA and KAq was to move to a secluded island in the South Pacific to create a race of superhumans.

New member Shane Bradley had similar regrets.  "As our social chair, I've been planning many of our annual functions like our volleyball tournament and our hay ride.  Now that we're on social probation, what am I supposed to do with 150 'AOA Ride in the Hay' t-shirts?"

When questioned on how the investigations will affect the fraternity, Mr. Banerjee said  "The goal of AWA has always been to support strong medical students and mold them into first-rate physicians.  Because some of our methods are being called 'hazing' we are being forced to discontinue traditions that were essential to the development of future doctors.  If you feel comfortable with a legion of physicians unable to perform surgeries while waist-deep in a trashcan full of pudding, be my guest.  When the time comes, remember that I told you so."

The Office of Medical Education has been rather tight-lipped about the allegations of hazing, but did release a statement.  "If hazing is what got them the kinds of board scores they received, we may start handing out wooden paddles at the white coat ceremony."

"The investigations into AWA will be conducted as quickly as possible we should have a decision by the beginning of the new year." said Morgan "We've taken a little bit of a break in order to give all of the members of the investigating committee the opportunity to view the slumber party tapes at home on their own."