Study Released:  Administration of Profanity as Adjunct to Surgical Treatment

            The results of a recent study published in JAMA support the use of operative as well as perioperative profanity as adjuncts to surgical treatment.  Although the practice has been well established as a routine aspect of surgical management, this is the first study to analyze patient outcomes. 

The study has sent shockwaves throughout the medical community.  According to MU surgeon Dr. John Aucar, "It makes you feel good every time you see that something so ingrained in our surgical education has been proven to help our patients in the long run.  I think the most shocking part of all this is that someone actually read JAMA."

The randomized-controlled study incorporated data from over 10,000 adult patients and encompassing a wide array of surgeries.  For those in the experimental group, surgeons were asked to swear either operatively or perioperatively or both.  They were also to document if they used terms involving large animals or body parts.  For those in the control group, surgeons would verbalize faux-profanity such as "Jiminy Christmas" or "Gosh darn it". 

The patients were followed for 10 years following their operation.  The data had been analyzed with regard to type of surgery, patient age, perioperative vs. operative use, as well as type of profanity.  An Outcome Index (OI) was made on each patient to note the improvement in post-operative morbidity and mortality versus that established for the operation in question. In each case, swearing lead to significantly decreased patient morbidity and mortality in the short and long-term

The implications of this study are likely to be realized very soon.  There have already been changes in the surgical residency training.  Dr. Billy Ray Silliman, first year surgery resident, commented on the report of improvement in patient outcomes. "Well no shit, Dick Tracy.  People have been riding our asses for years talking about our 'course language'.  And for years we've just said 'fuck 'em'.  Now we have proof."

Dr. Silliman postulated another ramification of the study.  "If this shows that profanity significantly improves patient mortality, we ought to be able to fucking bill them for it.  Shit, I'd go with ten dollars per word.  Well god damn it, the way I look at it I just dropped $30 talking to you sons of bitches.  Make that $40.  Cha-ching.  Cha-ching."

Although morbidity and mortality improved with all use of profanity a significantly better outcome was found when using large animals and body parts.  "This is great news.  I've been looking for an excuse to say 'moose cock' for years," said Dr. Silliman.

            Some people have been uneasy about the transition to overt expletive use.  Third year medical student and aspiring surgeon Gregory Mundis mentioned his trepidation about incorporating swearing into his practice.  "On one hand, it is against my values to curse flippantly.  On the other hand, my role as a physician is to do what is in the best interest of my patients.  I may not be serving them adequately if I insist on satisfying my own moral integrity at the expense of their health."

            Mr. Mundis plans to ease into the transition. "I think I'll start by saying 'crap' and 'damn' and then work my way up.  It would be helpful if Surgery Club had some workshops on the topic."

The indisputable evidence gleaned from the study should change the way medicine is practiced in the United States.  Follow up studies have already begun on the use of profanities in other aspects of medicine including psychiatry, gastroenterology, and pediatrics.