Editorís Note
For over two weeks, Nate Beucke had a face-full of hair and a mind
full of contradictions. His colleagues were losing patience. His friends were
losing faith. He was losing sleep. Yet in those two weeks, Beucke had gained one
thing which, for years, had eluded himóescape.
In the days preceding Terrortoma, Beucke had a
decision to make. Shave the beard and save his former self. Or let it grow and
risk losing everything. Everyone knows the choice he made. But few understand
the chain of events that ultimately ended with Beuckeís face clear and his drain
clogged.
In this exclusive report, written before the October 25th
shaving, we detail the people, places and events that collided to shape the
growth and death of one manís beard.
INVESTIGATIVE
REPORT:
Former Child Star Beuckeís New Growth Cause for Concern
Nate Beucke, immortalized as the
ten year old tow headed mischief-maker Tom Sawyer on a billboard along
interstate 70 between Columbia and St. Louis, has for years been trying to show
the world that he is a grown up. Now heís got the beard to prove
it.
ìListen,î Beucke said,
ìhereís a message to my family, my friends, all my fans
back home in
And the
beard?
ìYeah that too,î Beucke
continued. ìYou see this shit?î Beucke asked while tugging a swath of chin hair
between two pinched fingers. ìThis is the real deal. This isnít some half-assed
Christian Verry triathlon-training-time goatee. My
left cheek alone has twice the volume of hair Niewald,
Pfeiffer and Brodeur could sprout on all their heads
together. You wanna call me whippersnapper now? You
wanna pinch my cheek now motherfucker? Come on. I dare you. Iím begging you.
Please.î
The Roots of
Hatred
Such hostility is difficult
for many to understand. Yet it is a none-too-rare sentiment in the world of
former child stars, a loose-knit fraternity whose only common link seems to be
an intense bitterness for a fame that wonít be forgotten.
Beucke, like many child
stars, was discovered by chance during a timely display of remarkable
precocity.
ìIt was the spring fair,î
Beuckeís mother recalled, ìand Natey was up on stage doing a one-man recitation of Abbott
and Costelloís ëWhoís on First?í He would say a line for Abbot, then take off
his hat, pick up a catcherís mitt, hop to the other side of the stage and
respond to himself with Costelloís line. Back and forth, back and forth he went,
Abbot, then Costello, through the whole routine. I tell you, youíve never seen
such an adorable sight.î
Beucke, according to
witnesses, finished the gig as Abbot, by responding to Costelloís statement, ìI
said I donít give a darn,î with the crack ìOh, thatís our shortstop.î Then he
turned to the audience and gave a sly wink.
ìThat just was too much,î
Mrs. Beucke said. ìIt brought down the house. You should have seen
it.î
But Beucke wasnít done.
ìJust then,î Mrs. Beucke
continued, ìthe band started to play, ëTake Me Out to the Ballgame.í Well, Natey just took to it and started to sing and march in time
to the music, swinging his arms back and forth to match the beat, just like a
little soldier. I yelled, ëThatís my Natey,í because I
wanted everyone to know, and thatís when Mr. Slicker tapped me on the
shoulder.î
Mr. R.P. Slicker,
former casting agent for Dupont fabricsí marketing department in Duluth, MN, had
been working as a gate attendant at Silver Dollar City that spring.
ìI got a call from a client,
guy owned a cave down near Branson, said he needed a fresh faced, innocent
know-nothing type for a billboard gig,î Slicker said. ìI had the weekend off,
heard about the fair in Hannibal, so went to check it
out.î
Slicker noticed a sizable
crowd near the Moonwalk tent, and arrived just in time to see Beucke marching
the main stage.
ìWell,î Slicker said, ìI
took one look at Nathan up on that stage, the glowing smile, the twinkle in the
eye, the knickers and bow tie, and I said to myself, ëHereís just the little
prick for the job.íî
ìMr. Slicker told me Nate was a natural for the part,î Mrs. Beucke said.
ìYeah,î Slicker said, ìa
real natural pain in the ass.î
Whatever the case, Slickerís
chance discovery of the boy virtuoso and subsequent offer of the billboard gig
would change the coarse of Beuckeís life
forever.
A Famous Face; A
Family Effaced
As history tells it, Beucke
became a new generationís Tom Sawyer. His photo on an I-70 billboard would be
seen by enough people each day to fill more than 6000 M-105 lecture
halls.
ìWas it fun,î Beucke said in
a 1992 interview for Teen OMEN, ìSure. It was every small-town kidís
dream. Was it worth it? Hell no and hell no again.î
After an initial honeymoon period, Beucke became involved in a bitter contract dispute with his mother and then manager, Mrs. Beucke. The two are still entangled in a painful legal battle for his billboard earnings, $36 and a free lunch for two at the Springfield Country Kitchen.
Beucke also is estranged
from his twin brother, who for years struggled to escape the shadow of his
older, cuter, sweeter brother.
ìI just wish the whole thing
would never have happened,î Beucke said. ìI just wish I could be normal like
everyone else. Iím tired of being typecast. Iím sick of being pegged into a role
Iím not big enough to play. No oneís big enough to play it. Tom Sawyer is a
symbol of America. Look at me. Iím a symbol of failure.î
Some say Beuckeís experimentation with facial
hair is an all-too familiar attempt to escape his childhood role. It harkens
back to other desperate cries for help, such as Scott Baio cutting his hair for ìCharles in Chargeî or Corey
Feldman breaking free from Corey Haim to cameo in
ìMeatballs 3.î
Beucke bristles at such
comparisons.
ìHow can you even place me
in the same category?î Beucke said. ìThey were so one-dimensional. One was a
beefcake, the other just a token spaz. My face is
still on a billboard. Can you say the same for them? Can you? No, I am not
misguided. I am not hurting myself. I am liberating myself. This beard is my
ride to a new future. This beard is the death of nice Nate, the birth of Bad Beucke.î
Bad Buecke Here to Stay?
With Beuckeís new beard has come a new persona, one which some
friends have yet to embrace.
ìI donít like it,î Sarah Wiederholdt said. ìNate was always such a sweetheart, so sweet, and just really sweet to everyone. But the beard has really changed him, and now heís mean and crude, not sweet like the rest of us.î
The ìrest of us,î being the
Conley Scholars, an elite class of individuals, in which Beuckeís continued membership may be in jeopardy.
ìNate is damn near forcing us into a very regrettable
decision,î said a source at Conley headquarters who asked not to be identified
for security reasons. ìOur organization prides itself on selecting only the
neatest, most wholesome looking and behaving students. Sarah Swofford, Julia LaBarge, Amanda
Cully, Saba CossorÖ you get the point. These are just
really neat kids, however you slice it. Of course, Brodeur, heís the exception. We sort of dropped the ball
with that one, but then Amanda keeps the finger on him, keeps him honest. Heís
not a threat. Nate, on the other hand, with this new
rebel look and attitude, is really putting forth the wrong sort of image and
itís something I see as completely at odds with the ìConley Way,î as we like to
call it. If this goes on, I dare say Nate could be
excommunicated.î
Of course, most Conleyís
arenít willing to give up on their friend just yet.
ìWe donít want to lose Nate,î LaBarge said. ìWeíre not
mad at him. We just want this nightmare to end. We all know that somewhere,
beneath the growth, is a sweet, sweet boy who wants to emerge from the stubble.
The things he says, the things he does these days, those arenít Nate. Thatís somebody else. A mean, awful usurper. Not Nate.î
In one recent incident, an
act originally thought to have been perpetrated by Beucke was indeed ìNot Nate.î
ìI thought I saw him in the
hallway yesterday,î Wiederholdt said. ìSo I reached
out to give him a hug, but when I got close, I felt a punch deep into my gut and
then a wad of spit splatter against my forehead. I was about to cry, but then I
noticed it wasnít Nate. It was Scott Kirkley. With the beards, you can hardly tell them apart. So
I was just mistaken. It wasnít my Nate who punched me
afterall. I was so, so happy.î
Beucke denied any involvement in the punching incident, but said the act
pleased him.
ìShe had it coming,î Beucke said. ìKirkley is one of Godís warriors.î
Beucke also scoffed at concerns expressed by friends and requests to
ìlose the beard and come be sweet with us again.î
ìListen,î he said. ìWiederholdt and the rest of
them better get used to it. Thereís a new Nate in
town. Iím no oneís pushover. Iím no girlís best friend, no longer the guy to
dump your problems on. Donít come to me for advice. Donít come to me for a hug.
Donít ask me to help you pick out a gift for your boyfriend. Just stay the fuck
away. I donít need it anymore.î