Cloning Facility Found in McKeown Basement

 

In a surprise raid on Saturday, federal agents discovered a rudimentary cloning facility in the basement of third year medical student Simon McKeown.  According to the agency's report, Mr. McKeown and his wife had been splicing DNA in hopes of creating a set of superhumans.  They had just completed their fifth experimental trial and had no plans to stop.  Sources from within the FBI have said that the British native had planned to create a clone army to reclaim the United States for England.

 

            Mr. McKeown was available for comment on the raids.  "I had a terrible case of diarrhoea the night before and, frankly, my oesophagus was burning from the curry I had made for dinner.  I had gotten up to use the loo. Then someone knocked on the door and announced themselves as agents from the ministry and barged into my home.  Because of their bizarre behaviour, I thought perhaps that someone was winding me up."

 

            It was no practical joke, FBI agents found and seized gene spicing equipment as well as a diary entitled In Honour of the Queen which detailed his plans to reclaim the United States as a British colony.

 

            "Oh, that?  My journal was appertaining to a novel I was planning to write.  These FBI ministers just keep buggering about.  What will they investigate next, my favourite colour?" said McKeown.

 

            FBI agent Sean Rabble has been assigned to the case.  "We have done numerous intelligence and physical tests on the five children.  Their abilities are beyond the scope of natural union.  When placed in light of the sophisticated genetics equipment found in the basement, we have high suspicion that the kids are the result of genetic engineering."

 

            Mr. McKeown responded to the accusations.  "Sophisticated equipment?  I had purchased a bloody chemistry set at a jumble sale!  As far as my children are concerned, each was conceived by hours and hours of intense shagging of which you Americans can only dream.  The fact that they faired well above the mean reflects only that my wife and I are educated people.  That and being gifted with my superiour genetic stock."

 

            Agent Rabble believed that McKeown had imminent plans to mobilize his clone army.  "We are fortunate that we were able to stop the McKeown machine before he had a chance to topple our nation.  He had been stockpiling equipment and procuring transportation to send his soldiers to their strategic locations."

 

            "Have they gone stark raving mad?" said McKeown. "Stockpiling equipment?  They found a bloody buggy and pram in the boot of my car.  I wonder what sort of machiavellian machinations I had planned for themÖ oh, perhaps taking my kids for a stroll.  As far as procuring transport to the strategic locations, I had simply hired a lorry to move some furniture to my in-laws.  It is truly unbelievable the sort of twits that can pass as constables in this country."

 

            Whether the McKeowns were unfortunate victims of circumstance or biochemical soldiers of fortune remains to be seen.  Deportation proceedings have begun and a trial has been scheduled for the summer.