Arkansas Physician Uses ìSurgical Duct Tapeî

 

            The city of Little Rock has been in the news for its politicians, but not very frequently for advances in medical sciences.  Dr. Daryl Bennett has attracted national attention for his use of duct tape in surgical procedures.

 

            When asked how he arrived at the idea he responded, ìYou know I was workiní on my truck oh, a couple some months back there.  And that damn tail pipe kept on falliní off.  Of course, I stuck it back up there with some good olí duck (sic) tape.  Then I said to myself ëWell shit, Daryl.  You might could use that to close up that hernia repair you got to do later todayí.î

 

            As it turned out, Dr. Bennett brought a fresh roll of duct tape to the hospital for his trauma call.  ìAnd wouldnít you know, a guy comes in and ruptures his abdominal aneurysm.  I thought, you know, that he was a goner.  But chalk it up to the good lord that I had my duck [duct] tape and the good olí American ingenuity to cut him open with my pocket knife.  I just wrapped the [duct] tape around there a few times and he was good to go.  It reminded me of the time that my shitter sprung a leak.î

 

            News of the ìmiracle cureî quickly made the news, with the Little Rock Gazette headlining ìPatient Goes from Fucked to Ductî.  Dr. Daryl Bennett became an instant celebrity in his home state.

 

            ìIíve been really enjoying the attention.  Iím not married, so itís real nice having all the chickies in town sayiní hi to me.  Sometimes it gets to be a bit much.  Like I canít run down to the store to pick up a can of dip without someone askiní me to sign their belt buckle or father their children or some shit like that.  I think I know what those guys in Hollywood must be goiní through.î

 

            Due to Dr. Bennettís celebrity, a new toy line has been produced just in time for the holiday season.  The Talkiní Dr. Daryl Doll bears a remarkable resemblance to the inspirational physician.  By pulling his finger, the Dr. Daryl Doll says phrases like ìShitfire, that looks brokeî, ìNurse, duck tape pleaseî, and ìCold beer, stat!î

 

            Others in the Dr. Daryl collection include Hysterectomy Hilary, Appendectomy Adam, and Lung Transplant Larry. Each comes with removable parts and a fresh roll of duct tape.

 

            As the initial fame has passed, Dr. Bennett has been able to reflect upon the impact his surgical duct tape will have. "You know, a hell of a lot of medical advances have been the result of serendyÖ serendeputyÖ serenÖ accidents. Itís important to explore as many avenues that this product can be used. So far Iíve found uses for it in nearly every surgery I do. Obviously itís great for closing incisions, but Iíve used the shit to suspend the vaginal vault after removing the cooter [total hysterectomy]."

 

            Although Dr. Bennett has been celebrated in his hometown, there has been considerable dissention from surgeons around the country.  Dr. James Jones, chairman of the department of surgery at the University of Missouri School of Medicine commented, ìThis sort of cowboy procedure may make quick headlines, but has anyone taken a look at post-operative complications?  Surgeons should take exquisite care in maintaining sterility throughout a procedure; heís bringing in duct tape from his garage.î

 

            Dr. Daryl Bennett responded to these accusations.  ìSterility, shit.  Iíve been campiní long enough to know that you can use fresh urine to sterilize just about anything.  Sometimes I run out of my own piss, but thatís what medical students are for.  And let me tell you something else, if anyone else wants to say shit about the miracles Iím doing here, just come on down.  Iíll kick your fuckiní ass.î

 

            The newly found fame and fortune has allowed Dr. Bennett to create his own practice.  ìI got couple of discarded surgery beds that I got laying in the front yard of my trailer.  Me and my cousin Cleatus do them god damned things right there in the yard.î Mr. Cleatus Bennett is well known for his ìass-kickiníî moonshine, which Dr. Bennett uses for anesthetic.

 

            Health inspectors are currently investigating the sanitation issues with running a combination operating room and bait shop, but there is a great deal of excitement and praise in Little Rock for their legendary physician.  Yosemite Sam Elementary School recently changed its name to Daryl Bennett Elementary School and there have been many new street addresses bearing his name.

 

            Whether or not Dr. Bennettís use of duct tape will be seen as miracle or bunk, his impact on the community has been incredible.  As local citizen Ruth Carlton said, ìI think I speak for the whole town when I say that I want my kids to grow up to be just like him.î