Class of 2004 Has Crush on Melissa Logan

            What began as an innocent appreciation of fresh donuts, hot coffee and organized lecture handouts has transformed, over the course of six weeks, into a veritable obsession.

            It is now official. The class of 2004 is smitten with Melissa Logan, Medical Student Coordinator for the department of psychiatry and neurology.

            Logan, described by peers as pleasant, intelligent and reliable was described last week by various members of the M2 class as ìhot,î ìfineî and ìthat skinny-ass bitch trying to take my man.î

            While citing agreement with all the above statements, faculty psychiatrist Dr. Bernie Beitman, remains puzzled by what he describes as an annual phenomenon of mass transference, in which a significant portion of each successive M2 class becomes convinced of a potential special relationship between him or herself and Logan.

            ìItís quite interesting,î Beitman said, ìthe power Melissa has over these students. She walks to the stage to start up a power point presentationótheyíre transfixed. She passes them in the hall, says helloótheyíre speechless. Last time I lectured, I was distracted by the writing on the bottom of one young manís shoe. It said, ëMelissa and Marcus, 4-ever,í encircled by a crudely drawn heart.î

            Such responses, Logan said, while initially flattering, have grown unwelcome in recent years.

            ìWhen I got into this job,î she said,î sure it was to meet future doctors. But then I guess I never realized what these people were like. All the studying, the endless memorizationóI guess it dulls the social graces. Really, theyíre shameless, no tact whatsoever. Itís gotten to the point where I canít even walk down the aisle of the lecture hall without leaving 25 blushing student doctors in my wake.î

            This appeal of Loganís has been used to the advantage of the psychiatry department in a number of situations. Most notably, the department has averaged a 97% return rate of weekly evaluations, as compared to a 23% return rate for the Office of Medical Educationís end-of-block evaluations.

            ìNo offense to the OME, Chief of Psychiatry Dr. James Slaughter said, ìbut when theyíve got Carol Cox, Jean Hall and Dr. McCallum in their office, and weíve got M-Lo in ours, how can they possibly compete? If we asked for hourly evaluations, the students would deliver, just for a few more peeks at Melissa.î

            Some fear, however, that more frequent evaluations might cause excessive disruption in the lives of certain students, especially that of Blake Gornowicz.

            ìBlake, heís got it bad,î lab mate and fellow Logan admirer Mark Balas said. ìEvery Friday, he dresses up, puts on cologne, even does push ups to make himself look bigger. He gets so worked up. If it were any more than once a week, Iíd worry heíd die from the stress on his heart.î

            And such a death, some claim, might mean the loss of funding and accreditation for the psychiatric research program at the University of Missouri.

            ìTheyíre playing with fire with this Logan thing,î one source said. ìWe have reason to believe that Melissa Logan is in fact a decoy installed by Dr. Slaughter as part of a psychological experiment to test medical studentsí reactions to positive stimuli.î

            Luke Choi, making his third trip to N109 in as many minutes, ensuring multiple visits by returning two or three evaluations at a time instead of waiting for all members of his lab to finish, seemed unsurprised at the allegations.

            ìOh, itís definitely a setup,î he said. ìTheyíve got this mirror in the office and if you look into it really close, you can kind of see how itís not entirely solid and sometimes you can almost make out the silhouette of Dr. Slaughterís upper torso. Heís definitely watching from in there.

            ìAnyway,î Choi continued, ìI donít care. Sheís fly. Iíll keep going. Let the peeping tom voyeur Slaughter get his thrills from behind the glass. Just let me at that eye candy Logan.î

            Decoy or genuine boy toy, the question remains: what is Loganís secret?

            ìWell, basically I think what it comes down to is that these guys just donít get a lot of action on the outside,î Logan said. ìThey get lonely, feel very isolated down there in those stone-walled labs. I think maybe Iím a reminder of the life they once knew, before medical school, or I guess the life they may have read about in a novel for a literature class they took back when they were trying to enhance their resumes with humanities credits to prove just how ëwell roundedí they were.î

            Julia LaBarge, who claims indifference at her boyfriend Jake Kestersonís infatuation with Logan, offered another perspective on the charm of Logan.

            ìSheís the girl we all love to hate,î LaBarge said. ìShe has it all and sheís not offering apologies. Sheís Oprahóonly white and thin and young and not so larger than life as to be intimidating to men. Seriously, if she put out a magazine like Oprah, called it ëMí instead of ëO,í I would almost think Jake would read it instead of cursing in disgust as he does at Oprah and everything she stands for.î

            ìMelissa Logan in a magazine?î Kesterson said. ìFuck yeah, give it here.î

            A woman like Logan, who can move men to such emotion and inspire within women, not just envy but admiration, is a rare bird, according to Chief of Neurology Dr. Steven Horowitz, who has written three articles and published seven on the phenomenon of Melissa Logan.

            ìSheís become a real trendsetter,î Horowitz said. ìThe Jennifer Aniston of medical school. Girls are cutting their hair like her, dressing like her. Guys are hanging door-sized posters of her, although hand-drawn, over their beds.

            ìHonestly, we havenít seen anything like this since Judy Miles was an M3. Or since I invented tPA.î