We all know him as Adam Fedyk- mild-mannered, easygoing, slow-witted, sort of weird lookingÖ The kind of guy you pass on the street and never give another thought to...ever again. Never, even in our wildest dreams, however, did we suspect the true nature of the juggernaut that has walked in our midst these past months. The truth, however, cannot remain hidden forever, and it was revealed in stark reality on one fateful Friday morningÖ
ìWell, we were in our nineteenth hour of the campout,î recounts M2 Justin Cox. ìYou know- waiting in line for tickets to the Mizzou-Illinois game. The box office had finally opened about an hour ago, and we were getting closer and closer to the front. It smelled like butt in there. Everything was going smoothlyÖî
At this point, M2 Chris Ketcherside picks up the story. ìAll of a sudden, there is this commotion at the front of the line. This fat she-male is up by the box office trying to get everybodyís attention with her little sausage arms. Then they announced they were out of tickets, and everybody just went berserk!î
ìWell, I mean, can you blame us?!,î asks Cox. ìI mean you have to keep in mind that at this point we had been sitting up the entire night on that cold, hard floor listening to Jean Ann blather on endlessly about NOTHING for hours and hoursÖî
ìYeah!,î adds Ketcherside. ìWe were all on edge. When I heard, I couldnít believe it. I was shouting and punching shit with all the rest. But then I looked over at Fedyk and I knew something was wrong. He wasnít shouting at all or punching anything. He was just standing there very still with this stricken look on his face. There was this vein bulging out in his forehead, so I punched him too. Then I realized something was wrong. I grabbed Cox and got his attentionÖî
ìYeah, I look over, and I swear, Fedykís eyes are starting to glow red. I pissed myself right there. Right on the Hearnes Center floor.î
Ketch resumes the story, ìThen, all of a sudden, these cords in his neck start bulging out, and his face is turning all green. I thought he was going to vomit or something. But then he starts clenching his teeth and flexing his muscles, and Iím thinking, ëDamn! Fudyk is stacked dog! That workout program where they measure his biceps every week is really paying off!íî
ìYeah, you can see his shirt starting to stretch and itís almost like heís growing taller, cause by this time he was almost normal height. At this point, some of the other people around us start to notice and point, so he breaks all of their fingers of and eats them! But chubster, the ticket lady up at the front doesnít see anything. Sheís still arguing with the people at the front of the line, who had cut in front of us.î
ìThen, all of a sudden, Fedyk
lets out this bellow, like this, ëAH HELL YEAHí, and tears his nice pink polo
shirt from his body. His dockers are in ragged tatters now, and I notice
that his chest and legs are green too. Then it hits me- Fedyk is
ìEveryone in the hallway was in stunned silence now, but Fedyk was on the move. He grabbed this freshman that was standing next to us, tore his head right off, and chucked it at the ticket lady. It hit her square in the chest, and she flew back against the far wall.î
ìSo Cox and I grabbed Jean Ann. To use her as a shield right. Iím thinking to myself better her than me. How were we supposed to know she was pregnant? Anyway, it was amazing, he put this huge green fist right through her body, and grabbed a Snickers bar out of my pocket and ate it right in my face. What kind of a monster eats another manís Snickers without asking?î
ìAt that point, we didnít wait around to see what happened next, we just got the hell out of there. I gotta tell ya though- Iíve got some newfound respect for old Fedyk. I used to call him Elmer Fudyk all the time. And throw gum at his nuts in class. No way I do that now man. No way.î
M2 Brent Pfeiffer was also at the
scene: ìWell, I didnít actually see it all take place, because (M2) Drew
(Dykens) and I were way back in the line, but all of the sudden I hear this
booming bellow, like ìDO YOU LIKE THAT!í, and everyone is running in every
different direction like wild banshees knocking each other out and shitting
there pants. All crazy like. Then I see this enormous green flash go
by, smashing walls and windows- anything in his path. I didnít know what
it was, but then I recognized that it had to be Fedyk- you canít mistake those
lips. Ah those lipsÖUh, anywayÖî
ìYeah, and even as the Hulk, he still has that same slack-jawed kind of look about him,î added Dykens.î
We talked to some other students and faculty as well. A security guard on duty remembers the seen: ìI just remember seeing this green fat kid start running at the ticket window and then just jumping. And flying in the air at the ticket ladies horizontally through the air. He went right through the window and head butted the crap out of the ticket lady. She was hot.î
A local fraternity member was
quoted as saying ìDude, that was sweetî
It remains to be seen what will be done about Fedykís rampage at the Hearnes Center.
Athletic Director for MU, Mike Alden held a press conference later that day. ìFrom now on, no green hulks will be allowed to sit for 19 hours for Illinois basketball tickets.î he told the crowd. ìIn fact, no people named Adam can buy tickets anymore either. You know what, screw it! I get all the tickets. Except for Mark Pogemiller. I love Pogemiller!î
After this he passed out into a pool of his own love and the crowd began to chant things like. ìWE HATE POGEMILLER!î and ìEAT ALDENíS FACE!î or ìCOME TO OUR FRAT FOR BOOTYî.
Fedykís roommate, none other than M2 Mark Pogemiller, was reached for comment. ìIím actually in fear for my life now. Iím worried that if I forget to take out the trash, or record over one of his tapes, or root for the Cubs too loudly or something, heíll go Hulk on me. Not to mention my lov..uhÖfriend Mike Alden making me out to be a villain.î
In a related story, survivors picking through the wreckage left in the wake of Fedykís rampage discovered that the Hearnes Center ticket office is actually managed by a group of apes. Students looking through the remains opened the managerís office to find a large room with a jungle gym, straw on the floor, and a crate of bananas in the corner.
Employee Gladys Finneran commented: ìItís a tribe of orangutans. We all came to work a couple-three months back and found that they had moved in and marked the office as their territory. Nothing we tried would get ëem out, so weíve just been letting them manage the office ever since.î
When I asked the head manager/tribe leader for a comment on the ticket fiasco, he scratched his armpit, blew a strawberry at me, and then urinated on my shoe.