Advice Column:

Dear Salzer

William Salzer, MD is an infectious diseases specialist and an expert advice columnist.

Dear Salzer,

            My husband and I have been married for six years now.  We have two kids and were going great until about a year ago.  He has always had to work late on occasion, but now heís doing it at least once a week.  Whenever I ask him about it he says that he just has a lot of work to do.  I found some lipstick on one of the shirts he wore while he was working late.  Iím just not sure how to ask him if heís having an affair without seeming accusatory.

-Confused in Seattle

Dear Confused,

            And again, you know it sounds like you got it pretty much figured out.  You know, it looks like a duck, it quacks like a duck, I think itís about time you said ìHey, are you a duck?î  No, seriously.  You know.  And again, he might just be working late, but he might also be giving the old one eye to his new secretary.  Well, you know.  Yup.

Dear Salzer,

            I am a senior in high school. At the beginning of the school year, I started dating "Austin," a sophomore. His mother is very protective and made him break up with me. Her only reason was that I am a senior.

Salzer, I am a straight-A student. I have never tried drugs, cigarettes or alcohol my entire life. She never gave me a chance to prove I am a good person. Austin is one of my best friends. Should I try talking to his mother or give up and accept the fact that Austin and I can only be friends?

-Wondering in Kansas

Dear Sensitive,

            And again, I donít know if one of them Aís was in geography or not, but ëdenialí ainít just a river in Egypt.  No, seriously, you know.   And again, maybe his mom made him break with you, but I bet his mom didnít make him start dating Loosey Suzy from shop class or this that and the other.  You know, if youíre having problems with this, you can go and have one of the spooks take a look at you.  And again, you know, they might ask you to talk about your mother and who knows what, but theyíll probably just end up filling you up with brain candy and send your ass on home.  You knowÖ whatever.

Dear Salzer,

As a treat to myself, every two weeks for the past several years I have gone to "Natasha," a professional massage therapist. Like my hairdresser, Natasha has become not so much a business acquaintance as a friend. That's why I need your advice.

Natasha constantly talks and tries to engage me in conversation during my massage. I don't want to be rude, but I would get more out of the massage if she talked less and allowed me to relax in peace and quiet. How can I tell her without hurting her feelings?

The massage costs me $90 a session. The way things are now, I don't feel I'm getting my money's worth.

-Tied in Knots in Texas

Dear Tied,

            Yup.  And again please refer to the slide below from my lecture on ìHow you know you are with a prostitiute?î

…        Red lipstick +/-

…        Blk. Hi. Hld. Bt.

…        NAJGOIDGT ñ98

…        $$$ +/-