Medical Student Renders ER Marathon "Unwatchable" for Family

 

            This Christmas holiday saw the Runnels family of Madison, Alabama fall victim to what witnesses referred to as ìa completely asinine act of unrelenting irritation.î The highly anticipated family gathering was marred by one of the children, third-year medical student Patrick Runnels, due to his numerous indiscretions while the family was watching television.

 

            Patrickís father commented ìI was really looking forward to having all the kids back home.  It was a great time to see all the kids together again. Lara just got married, Eric got his kidney transplant, Patrick was doing his clinical rotationsÖ I was very glad to have them all at home again.î

           

            The Christmas weekend was going well until the family decided to watch TNTís ER Marathon.  ìYeah, I remember saying that it had been several days into the holiday and no one had been pissed off yet.  No sooner did I say that did my sister Kristin decide to turn on the TV.  God, what an idiotî, said Sean Runnels, Patrickís younger brother.

 

            ìYou know, I was just getting a little bored and I though that we could watch a show that everyone liked.  How was I supposed to know that Pat would just totally tweak out on us?î

 

            The Runnels family was able to watch the first episode of the marathon completely unmolested.  It was when Patrick had returned from the bathroom that the bedlam began.

 

            Patrickís older brother Eric has been credited with ruining Christmas with a single question.  ìI guess it didnít really register that Pat was a medical student for the longest time, but when he came back into the room it suddenly clicked.  I asked him something about how realistic the show really was.  That was when the flood gates opened.î

 

            The carnage started slowly.  At first it consisted of obvious differences between the show and reality, but quickly degenerated into philippics on even the minutest detail.

 

            ìI admit it,î said Patrickís older sister Lara, ìI thought it actually interesting at first.  I had no idea that ER docs donít do as much as they portray in the show.  I think showing Pat this interest was my fault.  If only I had feigned indifference, he would have never starting talking about alpha-receptor-this and beta-master-that.î

 

            Family members tried in vain to rescue each other.  Eric recounted his efforts.  ìI could have killed Lara for saying shit like ëoh reallyí and ëwhy did they give him that?í I tried turning up the TV ñ nothing.  I tried changing the subject ñ nothing.  I even tried changing the damn channel ñ he kept jabbering on and on.î

 

The discernment of culpability was not resolved, though everyone felt at least partially responsible.  ìYeah, by the time Eric turned off the TV Pat was on autopilot.  The rest of us just looked at each other trying to figure out who was to blame for this,î said Sean.

 

            The repercussions of the event were not as ephemeral as first hoped.  Lingering hostilities imbued the remainder of the family holiday.

 

            ìI just kept thinking ëPat, thanks for the kidney but I think Iíd give it back for five minutes of silence.í What a nightmare,îsaid Eric of his recent transplant.

 

            Lara felt similar tension.  ìI kept having little slips here and there.  One time I wanted to say ëPat, please pass the peasí but it came out as ëI think Iíll shoot myself before watching TV with you ever again.î

 

            ìI think what is important here is that we grew as a family.  What doesnít kill us can only make us stronger, right?î echoed Patrickís father.  ìAlthough death was a welcome alternative.î