Staff member trapped in HSL for the holidays

COLUMBIA, MO ñ In a brief security oversight just before the winter holiday break, medical school computer network coordinator Phil Neff was locked in the Health Science Library for the duration of eleven days.  Jim Whitesell, the security officer on duty the night of Friday, December 21^st explained the security snafu to TheAntiCrist.  ìYeah, I was in charge of locking things up that night.  I usually do a walk-through, or ëcasedí as we in the security business like to call it.  I figured since it was right before the holidays and all that there wouldnít be anybody hanging around.  So I skipped the walkthrough, but I still turned the overhead lights on and off just to cover my bases.  Guess I should have cased the place after all.î 

            The story behind Neffís week-and-a-half long incarceration is a testimony to the human spiritís ability to triumph over adversary.  Until TheAntiCristís exclusive one-on-one interview with Neff, all that was known about his ordeal was that he survived the presumably uninhabitable confines of the Health Sciences Library possessing nothing more than what he could scavenge or make himself.  The following is a transcript of that interview:

TheAntiCrist:  Mr. Neff, thank you so much for speaking with us today.  We sympathize with how difficult this must be for you to discuss.  Weep if you must.  All we ask is for honesty.  Can we call you Phil?

Neff:  Um, OK.  That would be fine.

TheAntiCrist:  Phil, could you tell us a little bit about what happened the night of December 21^st?

Phil:  Well, it was a pretty slow night to begin with.  As supreme overlord of the computer lab, I take it upon myself every Christmas to take the last shift before break begins.  You know, kind of a present to my computer underlings.  So I got to work for the last shift around 5 that evening.  With the med students gone, it was basically just me, a couple of surgical residents, and the typical 2 or 3 dozen Asians down in the lab.  Iíd just got a bootlegged copy of the new Wolfenstein3D, so I figured that would be the perfect time to break it in.  Back in my office, or ìthe holeî as we affectionately call it, weíve got a pretty sweet gaming system.  I started playing at approximately 6:30, and when I got up to go to the restroom it was already 8:15am on Saturday morning.  I hate it when that happens.

TheAntiCrist:  So, it was all an accident?  Are you sure it wasnít an elaborate message from Hosokawa and his goons that you should allow his students to print as many pages as they want, download MP3ís, and look up lotís of hard-core porn?

Phil:  What?  No, it was all a mistake on my part.  Whatís all this stuff about porn and MP3ís?  Is there something I should know about?

TheAntiCrist:  Right.  Never mind.  Letís stick to the story.  So, what happened then? 

Phil:  Well, I cried a lot.  I cried for myself, for my situation, for the futility of life itself.  It was very cleansing.  Then I set about to the task of finding a way out.  No luck though.  Every door I found said that an alarm would go off if it were opened.  My mom would have been pissed if Iíd set off a fire alarm.  That a felony, you know. 

TheAntiCrist:  No, we werenít aware of that.  So, you werenít rescued until the 2^nd of January.  Thatís eleven days by our reckoning.  Letís talk about basic human necessities.  Water is easy enough, but what did you eat?

Phil:  Lucky for me, but you know that weird librarian thatís always walking around with headphones looking like heís totally baked out of his mind?  I guess that guyís family owns a lot of stock in the company that makes SPAM.  After I gave up trying to find an unlocked door to the outside, I started snooping around.  Anyway, the reserved shelf in the farthest corner behind the circulation desk has nothing but SPAM.  No books.  Just SPAM, SPAM, SPAM.  

TheAntiCrist:  Fascinating.  You ate nothing but SPAM that whole time? 

Phil:  WellÖyeah, I guess.  I got used to it after just three or four days.  Unfortunately, at about that same time I started putting out some pretty funky looking turds.  I stayed off the SPAM for a day, but then I went back to eating again.  I figured, ìHey, they couldnít sell it if it wasnít good for me.î  Right?

TheAntiCrist:  Sure, Phil.  Anything you say.  Was it lonely?

Phil:  The first day it sure was.  On the morning of the second day, I awoke to the sound of a woman singing.  I couldnít believe my eyes when I discovered that a gorgeous brunette must have somehow been locked in the basement with me.  She couldnít speak any English, so I just named her Gazelle.  Donít you think thatís a pretty name?  We soon became best of friends. 

TheAntiCrist:  Thatís odd.  Werenít you found alone on January 2^nd?

Phil:  Why does everyone say that?!  She was right there beside me when I walked out.  Sheís about this high [gestures with hand], she has brown hair, blue eyes, and she was totally naked.  How come no one else SAW her but me?

TheAntiCrist:  Okaaaaay.  Letís switch gears.  Ya know, we were wondering, the library is notorious for being too cold or too hot - what was it like over winter break? 

Phil:  I thought I was going to freeze my hoo-has off.  I probably would have frozen to death if I hadnít discovered that Gazelle and I could generate a lot of heat byÖ. well, you knowÖthe olí horizontal mambo.

TheAntiCrist:  Yeah, Phil, weíre just going to assume for the moment that Gazelle was in fact a real woman so that way we donít have to read too much into what you just said.  

Phil:  Thanks.
TheAntiCrist:  OK, last question.  Youíre trapped in the library for Christmas.  Surely, somewhere, youíve got a family that misses you.  A significant other, perhaps.  Friends that would have liked to spend some quality time with you during vacation.   So much seemed to be waiting for you in the outside world.  Why didnít you just call for help on one of the several phones in the library?

Phil:  Iím going to go kill myself now.  Thanks for the punch and cookies.

TheAntiCrist:  Anytime Phil.  Anytime.