Michael Farber Detained, Aiding the War on Terror

 

Michael Farber, 2nd year medical student, is being held for questioning after a months-long federal investigation into suspected cyber-terrorism.

                ìOur initial focus was the middle United States, then Missouri, then Columbia,î Tom Ridge, Director of the Office of Homeland Security said. ìEventually, we narrowed it down to the medical school, the basement, specifically M2 Lab H.î 

                Suspicions were triggered when police officers, monitoring the internet for illegal content, began to note a ìsuspicious pattern of browsing activityî from a single account in the Midwest.

                ìThere was nothing illegal about any of it,î said Detective Ronald Feist. ìCNN, the BBC, MSNBC, various right wing media outlets, gun wholesalers and international weapons dealers. We understand that people have a curiosity in these things. Usually, we donít even take notice. Rarely do we step in. But when such sites are visited with such incredible frequency and duration, we get concerned.î

                Aside from the exorbitant time spent searching these sites, numbering in the hundreds of hours per month, investigators were especially alarmed at the specific nature of the searching.

                ìThis individual was typically working late hours, peaking from 9 pm to 3 am, splitting his time between intense study of Middle Eastern politics, history, whatever and searching for high-grade combat weaponry,î Feist said. ìWeíre talking the big dogs like Kalashnikov rifles, shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft misslesóthings that no normal Joe would dirty his hands with.î

                Hoping to catch the perpetrator in the act, US Army Special Forces raided Lab H last weekend, seizing one computer, a light box and an estimated three-day old food substance potentially contaminated with deadly bacteria.

                Finding no one in the lab, they next raided Lab G, then Lab F and finally Lab I, where they found Farber, engrossed in a full-screen spread of a disassembled 1968 Swiss Assault Rifle.

                ìHe had his credit card out on the desk before him,î Feist said. ìHe had scribbled prices of the model from various websites. We can only assume he was going to buy it. What could a civilian medical student possibly need with such a thing? We had no choice but to take him in.î

                Suspecting links to terrorism, authorities showed a picture of Farber to currently-detained Zaccaria Moussaoui to inquire whether Moussaoui recognized Farber from al Qaeda training camps. Moussaoui said he did not, then spat on the picture and delivered an obscene gesture.

                Although agents were unable to find any evidence linking Farber to Usama Bin Laden or his al Qaeda organization, they chose to detain him for further questioning just the same.

                ìFarber knows more about al Qaeda than al Qaeda. He knows their next move before they take it. Heís got names, dates, all the specifics. Acting on tips from him alone, we have detained an additional 1700 militants from terrorist cells around the globe. At this rate, the team of US/Farber could cripple their entire network and render it incapacitated by next week.î

                Despite repeated requests, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has been denied requests to ìborrowî Farber.

                ìIt is true that Farber could be of some value to them in their quest to round up terrorists and defend their borders,î Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said. ìHowever, Pakistan is a nuclear power with a fragile government and we cannot afford to let those nuclear warheads or the head of Farber get into the wrong hands. Most important, we cannot allow Farber to get his hands on those warheads.î

                Meanwhile, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has called for Farber to serve as Deputy Foreign Minister, perhaps to balance out the less hard-line Foreign Minister Shimon Peres.

                Farber, however, has indicated that he would like to ìlay lowî after recently ascending to the number two slot, behind Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie, on Hezbollahís Top Ten Hit List.