MSAC Seeks Answers in Geigerí$ TIMRON Scandal

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Tim Geiger, former chairman of the medical school graduation planning magnate TIMRON was subpoenaed yesterday and will appear before The Honors Council on charges of deceiving the financially ignorant.

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Geiger, who rose from the obscure rank of college football punter to treasurer of the medical school class of 2004, is charged with funneling over $5000 of clientsí money into his TIMRON corporation, then losing that money, and an additional $700 on credit, in a single evening of electronic darts at the downtown Boonville tavern, ìJimís Place.î

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Since then, Geiger has invented an imaginary portfolio of stocks and mutual funds, for which he occasionally concocts numbers and graphs that are displayed, to the befuddlement of his classmates, amidst an onslaught of confusing statistics, trends and predictions that make their pathogeneses-filled heads buzz with content.

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Yet in the meantime, TIMRON, the only Fortune 0.500 company under the MSAC umbrella has crumbled from a multithousand dollar powerhouse to a shell of its former self, with assets numbering in the tens of nickles.

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Along the way, ninety-some of its investors have seen their graduation ceremony investments dwindle from $60 to an average of 11 cents.

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìThese people had felt secure, had invested their futures into this company,î said Honors Council chairman Nathan Beucke. ìThese same people, who expected to have $10,000 saved for their eventual graduation now face the prospect of a ceremony in the back party room of ìThe Great Wall,î dinner not included.î

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Since it filed for bankruptcy last month, TIMRON and its chief accounting firm, Conway Anderson, have been the subject of scrutiny from seven MSAC committeesóPSR, SIGHT, FMIG, AMSA, AMWA, Surgery Club and MUtation (formerly, The Yearbook.)

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìActually,î said Lea Claycomb, PSR president ìweíre not so concerned about the missing money as we are about the socially irresponsible shredding and disposal of documents. All those inter-office memos and portfolio statementsódonít they know we have recycle boxes for that?î

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Other MSAC members have opted to bow out of investigations given their own alleged involvement with TIMRON. Recipients of donations from TIMRONís Political Action Committee fall on both sides of the party line and include Michael Farber of Surgery Club, Katie Marienfeld of SIGHT and most notably, Travis (alias, James) Brawner of AMSA.

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Brawner, a fellow college punter, is thought to have been privy to insider information regarding TIMRONís impending collapse, and is also rumored to be involved in a new scheme, collecting money from classmates for a fly-by-night board review computerized question bank.

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìThe actions of Geiger, Brawner and other punters like them are disgraceful,î said Mark Pogemiller, a member of the Honor Council. ìAnd this isnít the first time Geiger has struck. His past involvement with the Missouri football team has bankrupted their player development program and left the team with a legacy of mediocrity.î

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Even the vice president of the M2 class, Chris Ketcherside, has come under fire in recent weeks for his past business dealings with chairman Geiger.

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ It has long been rumored that Geiger purchased the Triscuit box, used to collect ballots in the disputed 2000 class elections that resulted in both Ketcherside and Geiger being elected to second terms, despite winning less than 50% of the popular vote.ÝÝÝ

 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ When asked his opinion on the matter, Dr. Michael Hosokawa cited neutrality.

 

ìListen,î Hosokawa said. ìIím laying low on this one. I still canít believe we got away with telling you guys to fund your own graduation in the first place. I mean really, have you ever heard of such a thing?

 

ìItís like ëOK, you give us fifteen thou a year, weíll give you a few lectures a week, let you look the other stuff up and present it to each other. But, oh yeah, all those presentations youíre giving, if you want to print them out as study aids, weíre gonna have to start charging you for that. And one more thing, after all the hard work, the sacrifice, the expense, weíll reward you with one last kick in the ass. A lavish graduation ceremonyÖ that will only cost you 10 grand.í Ha! Suckers!î