OME Tournament Preview:

    February has arrived and that can only mean three things at the University of Missouri: (1) Its colder than a witch's tit, (2) The football team is being arrested for various crimes (See Josh Alpers car), and (3) the annual OME 1-on-1 Basketball Tournament is here.  Excitement abounds this year after the incredible success of last year's tournament and the return of special guest competitor Quinn Snyder.  Last year's tournament was filled with surprises, heartbreak, and pulse-pounding finishes.  The championship game was an exhausting battle between the two true heavyweights of the division.  Robert McCallum, dominating throughout the tournament, jumped out to early 12-3 lead over Quinn Snyder with a dazzing display of classic power basketball.  But it the end Snyder was able to wear down the big man with ball movement and a combination perimeter/slashing offense in route to a thrilling 21-19 comeback.  That game, declared by ESPN an "Instant Classic" sealed the OMEBT's place as the premier medical education tournament in the country. 

    Here's are this year's seedings along with a preview of what to expect from each Block:

Block 1

    The OMEBT begins with Block 1, and it begins with one man, Robert McCallum.  McCallum, known to friends and admirers as "The Big MAC Attack", was absolutely dominating in last year's tournament, and is thought be many to be the premier post player in medical education.  He cruised into the finals allowing 2.1 ppg, and had a shooting percentage of .781, both tournament records.  He tore holes in opposing defenses like C5b9 in a phospholipid bilayer.  In the final he broke out to an early lead by backing Snyder in and then using his unstoppable inside game.  But in the end he was unable to keep up with the speedier Snyder, who wore him down with an inside/outside game that never let the big man catch his breath.  That disappointment led McCallum to start a grueling training regimen designed to improve his conditioning and reach his profession's ultimate summit.  "I begin each morning with a 5 mile run." said BMA, "I then take a two hour nap during PBL sessions to get my strength back.  I then work for one to two hours, whatever I feel like.  Then I head to the gym for some pick-up ball, I hit the weights, and then run a couple miles on the treadmill.  I end each workout at the Fuji Sauna (874-0088) at 711 Vandiver Dr. Ste A Columbia, where I get the Full Service Body Shampoo and Oriental Massage."  Such intense and demanding training will no doubt payoff in this year's tournament with the return of the MAC.

BMA's main competition in Block 1 will be fan favorite Willy Salzer. He has the unfortunate luck of again being placed in the same bracket as McCallum.  And again he will have to contend with the big mans bruising style of play.  Known for his hands up style of defense and no-nonsense attitude in post-game press conference, Willy Salzer has captured the hearts of many of the OMEBT faithful.  A fierce defender, Willy intimidates opponents by letting them drive the lane and then rejecting them again and again and again and again and again and again and again. When told that CBS College analyst Dick Vitale had picked McCallum to beat him in the Block one final Salzer responded, "Yup, that makes sense, since he wouldn't know his asshole from a hole in ground without looking for his thumb."  Although Salzer admits that facing BMA early in the tournament is less than optimal, he hints at a surprise upset.  "Sometimes being first isn't what you think it is" said Salzer.

Block 2

JaRon "Keeping it real"

    Leading Block 2's candidates is JaRon Freeman.  Known for his flashy style of play, heavy jewelry load, and trash talking, JaRon has catapulted to the top seed of Block 2 by "keeping it real."  "I am the most exciting man in the this tournament, hell this whole school." says Freeman.  " I put fun in the game.  I put the fizz in renal fizziology."  His style has caught the attention of many at the school of medicine.  "I'll tell you what," said M2 Alisha Allen, "That boy has got some flava and knows how to play the game."  Blake Gornowicz said, "Yah Boyz, that boys is the shizznit.  He be coming at at them like a madman.  He's got keys' commin from overseas.  So all you bitches best be gettin on yo knees, Saying "Pleaz, don't make no fool outta me."  He then returned to the computer to check his stock portfolio from his days as a trader.  He in no way resembles Michael Bolten from the movie Office Space.  However not everyone agrees with his outlandish style.  when he appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated in January that magazines editors airbrushed his tatoos claiming that their depiction of a nephron gave excessive weight to Tubuloglomerular feedback  and was insensitive to those who favor the Myogenic mechanism.  JaRon claims this was strictly a misunderstanding by the editors and that the tats in no way disrespect the Myogenic mechanism, but that they merely show his deep affection for Tubulogomerulo feedback.  Despite the controversy no one can deny he is one of the games most exciting players to watch.  Make sure you look for his trademark crossover, "The Counter-Current Exchange."

    Also in Block 2 is Tzyh-Chang Hwang, whose lightning quick moves to the basket have earned him the nickname "Hwang Bam, ThankYou Mam".  "He is so cool" said Dipika Patel. "Its just when he goes, and then what he does and its just, you know cool.  I mean its just how he does it and he moves and then he just drops back to shoot and then he goes in and shoots and its just really neat the way he does it. You know."  Said Shazia Bhombal, "Don't ever put me in one of your articles again.  Its not funny.  No really, I mean it.  Please."  Luke Choi said, "Yeah, I went to see him in a game.  It was okay.  What? No, I actually bought some books last block.  They're pretty expensive, so I think I'm going to wait to get anymore and see if I really need them.  Want to go to Great Wall?" When reached for comment Sarah Patton had nothing to say. 

Block 3

This Blocks top seed is the "H-bomb", Hosakowa.  That's pretty much all I got to say about that. 

You should know that he  has in no way impeded our ability to speak freely or threatened us in any way. 

Really we just want to say we think he is a wonderful fellow and a magnificent human being.

Also we want to let it be known that we have nothing bad to say about the man. 

None of this would be possible without his good will so we just want to take a moment to express our feelings

Thank you for not expelling or punishing any members of the staff for any and all comments made herein.

Block 4

The S Protein     

    The OMEBT's other major player, Quinn "Vitronectin" Snyder leads all comers in block four.  It was Vitronection that neutralized MAC with his DAF moves and arrested his cascade of  conquest.  Despite the recent struggles of his own basketball team Snyder has remained focused on maintaining the form that led to his victory last year.  "To me," said Quinn, "this is what basketball and life is all about.  That NCAA crap is just what I have to do to get my foot in the door.  Without the old M.D. or Ph.D I just couldn't get in  the regular way.  I mean I have a J.D./M.B.A, but that was pretty much just a payback for my athletic prowess. You know like Payton Manning's masters, or Travis Brawner and Andy Niewald getting into Med school.  A lot of people ask me why I would come to this backwards state in the middle of nowhere, and to me there are three reason's.  One: This Tournament is the premier sporting event in the country and I love being a part of it.  Two: We're safe from terrorist attacks because the only things of any value or significance in this state are in either Kansas City or St. Louis.  Three: Like every man at Mizzou, I'm still trying to land a Kronke or a Laurie."  Quinn was a team captain at Duke under some over-rated coach and helped lead them to a national title.  He currently babysits the Mizzou's underachievers as they wait to go pro/turn to a life of crime.  While he keeps busy coaching Missouri's talented basketball players and Josh Kronke, he hasn't let that detract from his one true goal of repeating as tournament champion. He is favored to be the one to have to face down BMA in the Tournament finals. 

    Block 4 also contains such notables as Bill Paull who's sharp shooting and sharp wit help keep opponents off guard.  While he has been slowed recently after radial nerve damage affected his sweet shot he remains one of the games premier shooters.  Anyone wishing to support Dr. Paull is welcome to attend his fan club meeting every Thursday at Harpo's.  As always Pub Crawl begins when quarter draws end.  Those wishing to go in a group should meet in S234.

    The wildcard in this block will be the free wheeling Jean Hall.  Regarded as one of the nations top adminstrative guards she has been plagued by inconsistency.  While her talent is undeniable, her streaky play will most likely limit how far she can go in the Tournament.  Still she remains one of the top players in the game and should she catch fire is capable of beating anyone in the OMEBT.