Retiring Professor Nabbed
For Organ Hoarding
Researchers at the University of
Missouri School of Medicine expressed shock yesterday at news that one
of their own, renal physiologist Dr. Ronald Freeman, has been charged with
eleven counts of hoarding illicit and unregistered body organs.
Freeman was taken into custody Friday after a
routine ultrasound for suspected appendicitis revealed him to be harboring 13
whole kidneys and an additional 24 ounces of autonomous, functioning renal
tissue in his abdomen.
Based on preliminary
interrogations, abdominal CT scans and intravenous pyelograms, investigators believe
two of the kidneys are human; seven of mouse origin; one from a puff adder, the
most venomous snake in East Africa; two synthetic, of a crude design; and one from
a chimpanzee, still living, in a Floyds Knob, Indiana research laboratory.
ìI always wondered what went on in that lab of his,î
one colleague said. ìThe top secret deliveries, the locked
doors. I figured he was just daydreaming his way to retirement, forming
paper clip chains, pretending to work like the rest of us.î
Instead, it appears Freeman has devoted his adult
life to the pursuit of a sole passionóacquiring more kidneys and assimilating
them into his system.
To make space for the transplanted organs, Freeman,
over the last 30 years, exhibited a bizarre variation of what psychiatrists
refer to as Munchausen Syndrome, a disease in which patients pretend to have an
illness or actually induce physical illness to obtain medical attention.
Since his arrival to the University in 1972, Freeman
is suspected to have faked cholecystitis, thymoma and Crohnís
disease for the purposes of obtaining unnecessary cholecystectomy, thymectomy and
ileal resection, all to ìfree up spaceî for additional transplants.
ìWe should have caught this long ago,î said Chief of
Psychiatry Dr. James Slaughter. ìHis was a unique case. All
the commonly feigned symptomsóabdominal pain, fever, tachycardia. Yet
conspicuously absent was the very common finding of blood in the urine. And why? Well, he couldnít bear the thought of giving
doctors any reason to remove one of his kidneys.î
Slaughter believes Freemanís most recently feigned
illness, appendicitis, was more a cry for help than a genuine attempt at organ
removal and subsequent insertion of yet another kidney.
ìClearly, he wanted to be caught,î Slaughter said.
ìNot only did he suggest the ultrasound, which he knew would reveal his
abnormal contents, but he had to have known that removal of a mere appendix,
the average size of which is nine centimeters, would hardly make space for a
single minor calyx, much less an entire functioning kidney.î
As prosecutors seek to build a case against an act
so unprecedented it defies no established law, researchers are eager to poke
and prod Dr. Freeman, the so-called ìmanufactured urine-excreting machineî to
discover his inner workings and, perhaps, find clues to help in the advancement
of medical science.
ÝìWe tried to
measure creatinine clearance to estimate renal function,î one researcher said.
ìbut his system was so god damn efficient, we couldnít
detect a single speck of creatinine, much less figure up a clearance rate.
Based on that, we could only conclude that his GFR (glomerular filtration rate)
was infinite. Of course, thatís ridiculous, but then so is a GFR of 1280, which
is what we clocked him at yesterday. Phenomenal!î
Researchers have also discovered, through detailed
records found in Freemanís office, that his GFR has increased an average of 40
ml/min/year. GFR, in normal individuals, decreases with age.
ìThe man has the most efficient excretory system
weíve ever seen,î another researcher noted. ìJesus, we pumped three quarts of
inulin into him, which he cleared in a matter of seconds. It was unbelieavable!
ìI mean the guy filters albumin like I filter
sodium. Only in his case, itís not a marker of early stage nephropathy, but
simply a function of the sum of miniscule amounts of albumin cycling through
the glomeruli of over 13 different kidneys! I mean holy mother shit!î
Freeman, who remains in custody, is scheduled for
exhibition to the general public, March 6th to the 24th
at the