Adam Fedyk Abducted, Biopsied by Renegade Pathologists

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Second-year medical student Adam Fedyk, missing since last Friday, has reportedly been abducted by a radical splinter faction of the MU pathology department, headed by professor emeritus Mitch Rosenholtz.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ The picture at right, delivered to the OME yesterday, represents the last time Fedyk was seen. In the picture, Fedyk is flanked by Rosenholtz and a Dr. D. Price Kraft, the man who many believe is Rosenholtzí second-in-command and likely successor.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìYouíll notice in this picture that Rosenholtz looks a bit disheveled, his hair a mess,î explained forensic pathologist Dr. Jay Dix. ìThis would suggest that the picture was taken recently, after several days on the run. Another clue as to the location of he photo is the strong yellow tint of Rosenholtzí glasses, indicating a significant light source, perhaps the sun, which would mean the photo was taken outdoors.î

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìNotice the look on Fedykís face,î Dix continued. ìHis smile seems forced, almost as if a needle were being held to his flank by the hidden hand of one of his captors. And then his armsótheyíre coming together at the level of his waist. We canít see the hands, but I wonder if perhaps theyíve been bound.î

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ The suggestion that Fedyk had been biopsied was confirmed yesterday when his tissues were found scattered near mile marker 0.5 of the MKT trail. The rest of his body has not been recovered.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Speaking from her freshman dorm room on the campus of Saint Louis University, Fedykís girlfriend, Jen Fetsch, addressed Fedykís captors in pleading for mercy.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìPlease, please,î she said. ìJust try to have him back sometime before May 17. Thatís the next time he said we can hang out, after his block 8 tests. You can recapture him on the 19^th. Heíll be back to studying for boards by then. He wonít be around for me at that point anyway.î

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Second year medical student Chris Brodeur also expressed hope for the speedy return of his classmate.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìI donít know if I can stand to wait another day,î Brodeur said. ìFedyk has some unresolved fantasy baseball trades that we need to clear up pronto. Weíre already several days into the season. If this goes on much longer, weíll have to drop him from the roster.î

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Meanwhile, university pathologists have joined the investigation in efforts to determine the site from which Fedyk was biopsied.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìWeíre considering all possibilities,î Dr. Tim Loy said. ìRenal, dermal, liveróI wouldnít put anything past these guys. Rosenholtz himself has a long history of this sort of work. His partner, Kraft, is the wildcard. He was trained by Mitch, but has since moved on to Tulsa, and we havenít tracked him since his graduation in í76.î

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Addressing the medical school from his Cape Girardeau ranch, Dean William Crist, dressed in jeans and cowboy hat, offered tough words to Fedykís captors and condolences to his colleagues.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìWe are committed to fighting this kind of pathology in all its forms,î Crist said. ìThis was a senseless biopsy. I donít know what they hoped to gain from it. If it was the disruption of our culture, our way of life, then they have failed.

ìMitchell Rosenholtz, you can run but you cannot hide. We wonít stop until you are captured or retired, this time for good.î

Crist then closed his speech by announcing a newly imposed one-page per day printing restriction explaining that, ìin this new war against pathology, we must all be prepared to make sacrifices.î