Lottesí death clears way for sale of Health Sciences Library

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ After waiting out what he described as a ìmore than reasonableî grace period, Medical School Dean William Crist announced yesterday the sale of the former J. Otto Lottes Health Sciences Library to corporate giant Disney and the renaming of the building to ìDisneyís Wide World of Health Sciences Library.î

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Donning Disneyís trademark ìmouse ears,î Crist opened yesterdayís press conference with a tribute to the recently deceased Lottes, an orthopedic surgeon and philanthropist who in 1979 donated $1 million worth of land for construction of the Health Sciences Library.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìIf you could join me,î Crist said, ìfor just 50 seconds of silence to recognize the 50-plus difficult days that have passed since the death of our colleague.î

After a brief pause, he went on. ìLetís make it 17 secondsÖ to represent the 17 years during which the HSL existed under Lottesí name. OK, I think itís been 17 seconds now. Great.î

Crist then went on to explain the evolution of the deal and the reasons behind it.

ìWhen I heard the news that Lottes had died,î Crist said, ìI was sad, sure, but also excited. Lottes was stuck in the past, unaware of what it takes to survive in this new era of medical education. We asked him repeatedly to hand over naming rights to the library. He refused. The old man was stubborn, bullheaded. His death is regrettable, but at the same time fortuitous. I took the opportunity and ran with it.î

Shortly after the announcement, Crist delivered the ceremonial ìfirst hammer blowî to the large silver letter ìJî before construction crews removed the remaining 10 letters of Lottesí name, which had been mounted upon the outside wall of the HSL, ever since its opening in 1985.

Speaking via satellite to a small crowd assembled in the medical school atrium, Disney chief executive officer Michael Eisner joined Crist in welcoming a ìlong overdue partnership of mouse and medicine.î

ìJ. Otto Lottes and Walt Disney were pioneers in their respective fields,î Eisner said. ìToday we celebrate the death of one and the 100^th anniversary of the birth of the other. Not only is Waltís name replacing that of your libraryís deceased founder. His spirit will revive the life of your financially-strapped, under-resourced media center.î

Step one, as detailed in Eisnerís 10-step library resuscitation plan, involves improving attendance, which has hovered around 20% capacity in daytime and 60% at night.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìThe library, according to our records, has been grossly underutilized,î Eisner said. ìEven on the rare nights when every table, study carrel and computer is occupied, there are students using whole tables for themselves. Looking at this from a purely business perspective, it doesnít make sense. It would be like us filling just every fourth pod on our Space Mountain ride.î

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Step two in Eisnerís plan aims to attract a younger demographic to the library during the prime-time study hours of 7:30 pm to 11:30 pm. An expanded recruiting effort has caught the interest of dozens of undergraduates, including several large fraternities who plan to use the library for sitting during chapter-enforced, nightly study hours. Medical students will be discouraged from using the library during these hours.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìTheyíre not really the demographic we want to attract,î Eisner said of medical students. ìTheyíre older and less aware of fashion trends, they donít go out much, they donít buy our products. Besides, they make the younger kids uncomfortable. When people visit one of our properties, they go to have fun, not to be glared at for talking or for gathering in large, rambunctious cliques.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Step 3 of Eisnerís plan involves a staff overhaul, with replacement of current library and computer staff with local teenagers dressed as characters from popular Disney cartoons.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìOf course itís the way we do things,î said Eisner. ìthe whole Mickey and Goofy getup. But really, thatís not the reason for the move. It was the old staff. They had to go. They creeped me out. The lady with the hair, the guy with the headphones, the computer dude with the chaps and motorcycle helmet. I mean come on, is this a spook show or is this a library?î

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Steps 4-10, according to Eisner are family, family, family, family, family, family and fun.

ìWe are a corporation,î Eisner said, ìthat prides itself on offering the best in family entertainment, whether it be in the field of movies, television, music or even the health sciences. The HSL, at present, is not a very family oriented facility. We hope to change that.î

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Eisnerís first step in that direction will be the remodeling of the libraryís 3^rd floor into a medically-based theme park, featuring ìJourney Through the PharynxÖ and Beyond,î the worldís longest roller coaster of less than 20 feet in height. Another attraction for the kids will include an entire wing of the downstairs computer lab devoted to online video gaming.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ ìCool,î said one overweight, 20-something library patron, dressed in a Metallica-decaled black trench coat and ripped jeans and viewing online pornography, in response to the news.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ Another patron, sporting tight jeans and T-shirt and red beard and also viewing pornography on a neighboring computer, laughed hysterically in agreement.