Authorities Arrest
2 Medical Student Drug Czars
enforcement
agents said on Wednesday.
According to the U.S. Attorney's office, two University of Missouri medical students, Luke Welch and Donna Claes, organized a scheme to cultivate and harvest large amounts of marijuana in the side lot of a local Wal-Mart in Columbia.Ý Both students are certified pharmacists in the state of Missouri.Ý Apparently, Welchís position as a pharmacist at the Wal-mart enabled him to gain access to the lot, and the two studentís combined expertise had allowed them to develop a complex drug ring in Columbia over the past couple of years.
When reached for comment, the two students were extremely forthright.Ý ìWell, itís common knowledge that 90% of our Wal-mart employees become intoxicated immediately after or during their work shifts,î stated Welch.Ý ìI saw a market and decided to become the supplier.Ý As a pharmacist, I had access to any illegal drug imaginable- ganja, Florida snow, flamethrowers, heaven dust, Mojo, Woolas, Scoop, ex, Orange sunshine, nitro, Crown Crap, Frisco special, peyote, roidsÖI could go onÖî
Claes continued, ìWe decided to enroll in medical school to expand our clientele.Ý The thought of supplying all of those depressed doctors and miserable nurses seemed really promising and exciting to us.Ý And of course the medical students needed something to help them burn the midnight oil.Ý So med school was just a front to gain more customers.Ý As far as the curriculum, we already knew four-fifths of the material coming in, so we had no need to study and plenty of time to distribute our growing reefer load.î
Fellow M2 classmate Nathan Ratchford was somewhat surprised to hear of the pharmacistsí drug operation.Ý ìIn PBL lab, I just thought Donna was unusually peppy all the time.Ý I guess I started wondering one day when she came into the room while I was studying and screamed, ìHOW YA DOIN RATCHY?!!î directly in my ear, and then started shaking my shoulders until I vomited.Ý After that she retreated to her PBL desk and read 60 pages of Goodman and Gilmanís in 4 minutes.Ý Little did I know at the time she was so cranked up on speedballs that itís a wonder her head didnít spin off.îÝ
However, the 2 were disappointed with the initial results of their clientele
expansion.Ý ìWe tried our best to
embarrass and humiliate our fellow classmates with our extensive pre-acquired
medical knowledge, but we still had no action from them,î admitted Welch.Ý ìI even started coming in for PBL tests one
hour late, just to mess with their heads.Ý
But nothing we did seemed to worry our classmates to the point of
despair.Ý We did have one client, Ted
Bushy, but with our concentrated and focused efforts on him we blew his fucking
mind so fast he had to drop out by the second block.Ý With the lack of business, we were strongly
considered 
transferring
to UCLA or Cal after the first year of med school to try again.Ý But then the dam brokeÖ.î
Welch, of course, was referring to the incoming class of 2005.Ý Suddenly Claes and Welch were bombarded with interested buyers. Word spread quickly throughout the new M1 class that if one wanted to smoke out or drop acid during a Moscatelli lecture, they had a ready supplier at a momentís notice.
ìWe soon realized that we didnít have enough reserve, and had to start growing our own outside of Wal-mart,î stated Claes.Ý ìIt seemed for the longest time that we were free and clear.Ý We were somewhat worried when the M1s decided to puff the dragon on the bus ride home from the Hermann winery, but that just resulted in a lot of wrist-slapping.îÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ
Upon questioning to verify their story, one M1 stated, ìDude, do you got anything to eat?Ý Anything?Ý Hey have you seen my sphygmomanÖ?Ý My sphango-ÖÝ my sphyngomamÖoh shit!Ý Hah hah ha ha ha hee hee hee hooo hoooÖ holy crap, man.î
However, Welchís and Claesí arrests do not mark the end to this saga.Ý Authorities are still searching for the suspected kingpin of the local drug ring, pharmacologist Dr. Leonard Forte of the University of Missouri faculty.Ý Brought in for questioning by police a few months ago, Forte stated he believed drug companies should develop new strains of cannabis to help relieve symptoms of nausea and vomiting.Ý After continuous rambling and sidetracks, he also said he believed it would be a successful treatment someday, ìwhenever the hell this goddam country decides to grow up.îÝ Forte is now missing.Ý Also being hunted is a possible mastermind partner that Forte frequently mentioned, who goes only be the name, ìMorris.îÝ Morris is believed to be based somewhere in Australia.ÝÝÝ