Viability of Electrical Muscle Stimulation for Acquisition of ìTight Bodyî and Spring Break Allogeneic Genital Stimulation

Authored by the M1 Commission to Offset Intolerable Tumescence this Upcoming Summer (COITUS)

From University of Missouri School of MedicineóColumbia, MO

Reprints available upon request.

INTRODUCTION

The abdominal muscle group is composed of the right and left external oblique, the internal oblique, and the single rectus abdominus. These muscles are of importance to protect the visceral organs and also as adjuncts to posture maintenance and respiratory function. Recent studies by MTV, et al. have correlated the tone of these muscles with sexual activity1. The validity of the MTV study has been questioned by this researcher for several reasons:

1. Lack of diversity of the subject population. The MTV study used almost exclusively undergraduate university age subjects (18-23 years of age). Further, the location of the studies promoted the use of affluent subjects. There has been some debate upon whether the subjects were coerced to take part in these studies, either by peer pressure or propaganda.Ý

2. Lack of controlled variables. MTV never attempted to control the diet of the subjects and the use of illegal stimulants was never forbidden. They did not provide the subjects with standard exercise equipment; instead, they relied upon daily half-hour recess periods during which primitive operant conditioning trained the starved, half-naked subjects to dance only when popular music was ìhot-mixedî with other similarly popular music.

3. Lack of traditional results. Although they presented the raw data many times during the months of March and April, MTV never formally published the results. The obvious lack of statistical analysis or even a bar graph has led this researcher to believe that the only supportable conclusion is that ìnutty hi-jinx will ensue when you put crazy kids, whipped cream, and Jerry Springer on the same stageî.

In spite of my stated objections, I am using the MTV data to validate the need for this research. I intend to determine if the tone of abdominal muscles correlates with sexual activity with the slightly older, poorer, medical school student. This study will take place in the mid-west, at the University of Missouri-Columbia School of Medicine. As this is a longitudinal study, I will publish my results annually. I had originally intended to publish quarterly; however, based on current literature2, this would yield no results.

At this time I would like to publish the results of the experiment preceding the longitudinal study. The purpose of the current experiment was to increase the abdominal muscle tone of the subjects in the longitudinal study (n=1).

Having established the need for firmer abs, this study will determine the viability of Electrical Muscle Stimulation (EMS) to achieve the stated goal. EMS has been sensationalized in the popular media. These products, cleverly marketed utilizing the most advanced techniques of alliteration, purport to strengthen abs and decrease weight. Further, patients are soliciting advice about the efficacy of EMS as a viable exercise alternative. Many practicing physicians have scoffed at this brand of ìtreatmentî. ìGive your money to me if you want to throw it away3î and ìMaybe you should give up bon-bons while watching all four daily episodes of Law & Order4î are common clinical answers to this hesitantly broached subject. From these answers, it is clear that future physicians should be instructed on how to deter patients from receiving non-prescription treatment with an emphasis on patient humiliation; perhaps future IPC lectures should be devoted to discussing alternative medicine. However, a logical question proceeds: is the tackiness of pimping EMS on late-night infomercials reason enough for certified student-doctors to openly point and laugh at chubby patients? It is germane that we fully elucidate the effectiveness of EMS before we lose parasympathetic control of detrussor muscles when faced with inquisitive patients with BMIs over 60.

METHODS

The internal review board (IRB) passed this proposed research in a mere 3 weeks. The IRB consisted of my brother, who has been inspiration if not instigation for this study since age 10, Dr. R.H. Freeman (whose look lingered a bit too long when discussing the fluid compartmentalization in the normal 60kg man), and Angela, the check-out girl at Target.

Initially two subjects were chosen to perform the clinical trial: one 24 yo male and one 27 yo female. The female dropped out of the study almost immediately due to inability to follow the methods of the study. After the disturbing news from Johns Hopkins earlier this year regarding human subjects, this researcher simply could not risk endangering human life. The female did not apply the ìab tightening gelî to her torso before initiating EMS; instead, she placed a thin coat of saliva between her skin and the electrode. This resulted in ìpainful stickingsî in her belly, eliciting a high pitch shriek from the female subject. Although tolerant of the Ghostbusters-esque electrical shock, the male subject was discouraged from urinating while engaged in EMS. (He disregarded this advice with no repercussions, but admits to being ìvery frightenedî.)

The male subject underwent clinical trials of EMS daily for 20 minutes at the highest setting using the Ab Energizer. The trial lasted one week. EMS was performed between 8PM-12AM nightly. Weight was measured at 7AM in the student recreation center. Diet was not changed from previous weeks.

RESULTS

The male reported a minimal difference in perceived muscle tone and did report fluctuations in weight. The decreased weight was mainly due to ingestion of two ìmetabolizerî tablets supplied by the manufacturers of the Ab Energizer. These tablets are the same alkaloid formula popularized by Metabolife (12 mg ephedrine and 40 mg caffeine). The increase in weight toward the end of the week was mainly due to the large amounts of raw cookie dough ingested over a 3 hour period during ìMust See TVî, although the subject reports wearing the Ab Energizer during those three hours. Point-and-click statistical analysis was performed on Microsoft Excell software and Y-error was assigned arbitrarily based on what might happen.

CONCLUSIONS

It is clear from this data that EMS alone does not result in firmer, sexier abs. The male subject reported that a minimal difference was perceived in muscle tone; however, EMS alone does not stimulate the drastic weight loss purported by the infomercials. Further, this researcher has concluded that the maximum amount of time spent complying with a drastic change in diet is ~96 hours. Finally, this researcher has concluded that other avenues of weight loss and abdominal muscle tone must be pursued by the patient who desires ass during spring break at South Padre. These avenues include, but are not exclusive to, exercise. EMS may serve an adjunct role, but it is clear that EMS is not a powerful front-line treatment for obesity resulting in acute or chronic cases of involuntary chastity.