Renegade Newsletter Pulls Wool over eyes of Fledgling MSAC leadership
They
came. They spoke. They left with $67 of your money.
In their wake,
an assembly of flustered MSAC representatives sat trying to reconstruct the
scene that had culminated in a vote to grant the former AntiCrist
probational MSAC membership...
Second-year medical student Adam Fedyk, missing since last Friday, has reportedly been abducted by a radical splinter faction of the MU pathology department, headed by professor emeritus Mitch Rosenholtz.
Authorities Arrest Medical Student Drug Czars
A sweeping drug bust involving the collaboration of 25 states has resulted in 2 arrests and the seizure of more than 10,000 pounds of marijuana, drug enforcement agents said on Wednesday.
OME signs Medical Student Program Assistant
After
weeks of closed-door discussions and interviews with some of the nationís
top medically-based multitaskers, the Office of Medical Education (OME)
surprised many yesterday by naming...
Pediatrician dumbfounds 9-year-old boy
What
began as a sore throat for nine year-old Nathan Hughes ended as an
alienating ordeal which stretched the limits of his sanity. The Columbia
fourth grader started having symptoms of pharyngitis early Monday morning.
Death clears way for sale of Health Sciences Library
After waiting out what he described as a ìmore than reasonableî grace period, Medical School Dean William Crist announced yesterday the sale of the former J. Otto Lottes Health Sciences Library...
Medical Student, Father Reunited
Jeff Mudrick, UMC medical student, successfully ended the search for his true parentage. After much blood, sweat, tears, and genetic testing, Jeff was overjoyed in finding his biological father. However, much to Jeffís chagrin, the news is even sweeter...
Soccer Team Dreams of National Championship
Head soccer coach Marcus Wade intently paces the sidelines, barking commands at the athletes. With the opening game for next yearís season just 325 days away, fans are eagerly anticipating another round of medical school menís soccer.
Neurology Rotation Induces Two Week Absence Seizure in Medical Student
Previously healthy third year medical student George Richard ìG.Rî Thompson was recently diagnosed with absence seizure disorder. Absence seizures are different from other seizures in that they are manifested as periods of blank staring and are without a rhythmic motor component. This is the first documented case of absence seizures lasting any more than just a few seconds.
Fantasy Sports: the Next Level
As most of us undoubtedly know by now, there are several members of the M2 class who have been sucked into the apparently highly-addictive world of Fantasy Baseball.
Fantasy Rotations Draft Breakdown & Analysis
Authored by the M1 Commission to Offset Intolerable Tumescence this Upcoming Summer (COITUS)
Admissions Reevaluates Emphasis on the Arts
COLUMBIA, MO ñ In the wake of a recent report in the January edition of Medical Education Today, admissions director for the University of Missouri School of Medicine, Judy Nolke, abandoned the schoolís decade-old admission goals. The report details how medical students possessing degrees in the sciences outperform their non-science peers on the boards by an average of 34 points. ìBack in the early í90ís,î Nolke explains, ìthere was a trend in medical education admissions to target individuals who explored degree programs outside the hard sciences of chemistry and biology. It made sense at the time, because we were so overrun with biochemistry nerds that everyone looked the same. So much for that idea." As of the 2003 school year, students possessing degrees in English, Dance, French, Performance Piano, Theater and other fine arts will be required to re-attend college and complete a real degree.
Drew Dykens converts to Buddhism for Spiritual Guidance, Better Grades
COLUMBIA, MO ñ In a startling
turn of events, M2 Drew Dykens recently announced his conversion to
the Zen Buddism religion. Dykens, also known as the first "D" of
coffeepot's "D and D" duo, told
fellow classmates that he made his decision to switch
religions after much soul searching and smoking while in Cuba over Spring
Break.
"It was pretty difficult for my family to accept," Dykens explains, ìHowever, Iím doing it for the
right reasons.î Those reasons, he contends, deal with not only his soul's
innate need for spiritual comfort
and direction, but just as important, the chance to get honors in at least one
block. "Iíd pray to the big J.C., but my
scores never rose above average," Dykens contends. "And I would pray hard, too.
Converting really wasnít that hard, and the best thing is that I
feel like a new student. A student ready to get better grades that is.î
Classmate Availability Dwindles in Lonely M2 Class
COLUMBIA, MO ñ An outbreak of
recently
-engaged medical students in the class of 2004 has left some of their
classmates wondering, ìWhat about me?î To date, the tally of students
either engaged or married had risen to 42 with the most recent engagement of
Brian Kleiber. That's right, Brian Kleiber of all people. After
delving into the situation, one quickly discovers that this issue hits home much
more desperately with the fairer sex of the class. A gaggle of girls is often
seen looking at wedding pictures, prying into engagement storytelling details,
or just eyeing down the competition. On the other side of the fence, the
male class members hardly seem to notice, much less envy the fortune of their
committed colleagues. "Kleiber engaged?" M2 eye candy Torin Shear said upon
hearing the news. "I guess for him, it's the right choice. God knows he lucked
into that relationship to start with. But me? God no. I'm young, I'm good
looking, I'm going into radiology. My stock is rising. Hey, which way to the
weight room?"
PSA: Thermostat Confidence at all-time high
Despite the blatant empirical evidence suggesting otherwise, several students in the M2 class still seem to demonstrate the belief that the PBL Lab thermostat actually influence the temperature of the aforementioned labs In a recent investigation, TBD reporters discovered two wads of paper, a partially unfolded paperclip, and a pocket calendar ingeniously wedged into various lab thermostats in an apparent attempt to raise or lower the rooms' ambient temperatures. TBD strongly encourages students to perform the following environmental adaptation techniques: remove clothing when hot, huddle when cold. After all, messing with the thermostats just looks silly.
