ìTest Bankî Found to Be a Room with a Million Monkeys at a Million Typewriters 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ In an effort to streamline the Office of Medical Education, the Hunter Group conducted an audit of the OME.Ý Among several unexplained expenditures was the line-item for ìmonkey shelter and boardî.Ý

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Dear V.A. Nurse

VA Nurse is a health care professional and an expert advice columnist.

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Kyle Bradley

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M1ís Confuse Fellow Classmate for Emeritus Professor 

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ With the end of the first block drawing near for first-year medical students at the University of Missouri-Columbia, the reminder of how little M1ís know of each other is made quite clear.Ý

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Have you seen my sleeves?

I have been looking for my sleeves for around two months. Iíve been through all the labs in the M1 area a couple of times. Iíve looked in the library where the nursing students usually sit...

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The Bearded Dean Turns One Plus One

 Contrary to popular prediction, the student newsletter The Bearded Dean has survived a full year as of October 10^th, 2002.

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MU Parking says, "VAG now open!î

After a long battle with officials, administrators, and higher-ups, the M2s will now have parking garage privileges. Formerly parking in the MU-BFE parking lot or illegally parking in the Maryland Avenue Garage (MAG), M2s will now be able to upgrade their parking to the Virginia Avenue Garage (VAG). ìItís pretty sweet being in the VAG,î said M2 Kathy Weiss. ìThis VAG thing has been a long time in coming,î said parking guru Mechelle Lewis. ìBut we are finally able to park somewhat close to the school.î MU Parking says that the VAG is still strictly off limits to M1s.  Any M2s caught selling VAG access to underclassmen will be severely penalized.

Newest Batch of M3ís Complain About Surgery Rotation

Like the swallows of Capistrano, the newest round of M3ís have congregated in the student lounge to complain about their surgery rotation.Ý As proof that history will repeat itself in as little as eight weeks, M3ís have passed down the tradition of saying such things as ìDr.[insert name] didnít even talk to me.î Or ìI had to get up at [insert time] amî or ìDr.[insert name] asked me about things I didnít read aboutî or ìDr. [insert name] is such a [insert expletive] [insert body part]î

Hunter Group Profits $30 Million for Hospital in first Week

Turning a profit much faster than promised, the Hunter group of St. Louis, MO, garnered a record $30 million profit for the hospital after only one week of management.  In exchange, Hunter granted 20th Century Fox of Hollywood, CA exclusive intellectual property rights for it's upcoming sequel to the 1999 cult classic "Office Space".  Said James Evans of Hunter, "Introducing our consultants in the UHC system is the perfect setup for "Hospital Space" the movie.  Take for instance, Michael Hosokawa.  What does he do?  Talk to the students and give their complaints to the administration.  I suppose he's a people person.  Get it? [Bursts into uncontrollable laughter].  Fox's understanding that there would be no problem typecasting the main character's token Indian friend expedited the studio contract. 

Farmerís Almanac to Release OB/Gyn Schedule Forecast

The Old Farmerís Almanac, renowned for its accurate weather predictions,  extended its reach into the field of medical school schedule forecasting with the release of The Old Farmerís Almanac OB/Gyn Schedule Forecast, 1^st Edition. Editors of the new release hope the OBGSF will be the first publication to accurately predict the schedule of lectures and clinics for the OB/Gyn clinical clerkship. Revisions to next weekís schedule include:

Monday 8:00 am: lecturer arrives 35 minutes late, forgets slides; lecture rescheduled

Tuesday 8:00 am: program coordinator arrives at 8:20, announces that lecturer was never notified of session; lecturer will be paged and students asked to wait for her arrival; at 8:45, program coordinator will return to announce lecture rescheduled

Tuesday 9:00 am: lecturer still absent at 9:35; program coordinator apologizes and speaks for 25 minutes about all the helpful information she would like to, but cannot provide due to this being her first year with the program; lecture rescheduled

Perhaps the boldest prediction offered by the Almanac is for November 27^th for which it predicts, ìThe OB/Gyn department will reach a state of maximal entropy at which time it will explode into 9 billion particles and assume a chaotic orbit about the earthís atmosphere. Morning lectures rescheduled.î

Student Death Goes Unnoticed At Morbidity and Mortality Conference

The death of 3^rd year medical student Timothy Geiger went unnoticed for nearly one hour last Tuesday while Drs. Stevan Whitt, Imad Shawa and Stephen Brooks took turns berating a nephrology fellow during the department of internal medicineís biweekly Morbidity and Mortality conference.  Half an hour after the conference ended, medical student coordinator Sharon Young was alerted to the incident when she noticed Geiger had failed to sign the student attendance sheet.  His body was removed from Acuff Auditorium when Internal Medicine Grand Rounds, the program immediately following the M & M conference, had concluded. 

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