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Bearded Dean Exclusive: Scandal in the OME
From the Depths of the Nursing School
High
School Phenom to Forgo College
Rush
Meets Match President
Hsu Lays Down Ultimatum
Student Profile: A Killer Is Born
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Verily God Said, "Rise, My Unshorn Son," And All Rejoiced Lo, thou dost witness a miracle! Like the phoenix rising from its ashes and Christ rising from his grave, so hast The Bearded Dean returned from its slumber to lead you down the path of righteousness and to the gates of knowledge. Be amazed at our power and glory, and worship at our altars, for on Judgement Day, all will stand accountable. Are you ready to be enlightened? Traveling Lecture Series To Come To Mizzou On June 3rd in Acuff Auditorium, Edwin Dodson, the Director of Admissions from Washington University School of Medicine will give a lecture entitled, "WashU: Why We're Better Than You." Though his school has never been ranked #1 in any publication, the lecture will focus on why WashU is the best medical school in the country. Prime among his evidence will be his new "superstudents," who have been genetically engineered to be the next wave in doctor evolution. Audience members are invited to attend the arm-wrestling contest after the lecture, where WashU student Anne Drury will take on any and all challengers while answering basic science questions and playing four games of chess simultaneously. The OME asks that students entering primary care please not attend, to avoid embarassing our school. Discovery Health "Kicks it up a Notch" Starting in June,
the Discovery Health channel will be airing a new surgical series
based on the Food Network's popular cooking show 'Emeril Live,' called
'Slicin' and Dicin.' Walter Riley, a cardiothoracic surgeon from Boise,
Idaho will be hosting the show. The Dean was allowed to sit in on
the shows first rehearsal and recorded the following excerpt. "What
we've got here today folks, is a patient who is in dire need of a
CABG (coronary artery bypass graft). So, we're just gonna cool this
little pumper down with some ice, baby. Next, let's turn it up a notch
and snip here and suture there, and BAM, you've got a happy, happy
heart! Don't touch that dial, baby, we'll be right back!" The
first show will air on June 7 at 7:00 p.m., and will replace 'Turning
Bloody Body Parts into Something Only Partially Useful." M3's Pass On USMLE Advice To M2's A Bearded Dean Survey of M3's on what tips they would pass on to lowerclassmen found two things repeated over and over again. M3 Nathan Ratchford sums them up for us: "Relax, I hear you can always scramble into a family practice residency somewhere," and "Apparently the stories aren't true. Studying drunk and taking the test drunk doesn't actually work. But the second time I took it I was high on weed, and that turned out pretty well" Confessions of a Troubled Mind: Psychiatry IPC Haikus They all are
depressed Black apathy
fills New Study Sheds Light On M2's A new study to be published in the May 20th issue of the New England Journal of Medicine reports that the second year students at the MU School of Medicine have been misnamed. The so-called ìAlcoholic Geniusesî were studied by researchers from Southeast Missouri State University. Their report concluded: ìThe second year class did indeed have many alcoholics and many geniuses. However, those two qualifications were never found to exist concurrently in one student.î SIGHT Vitamin Drive Causes Religious Rift The M1 class has managed to find time between creating handout complaint committees and arranging special PBL help sessions to start an inter-lab religious conflict. Observers have dubbed it "Old-school vs New-school." Catholic Gino Vricella and Mormon Cary Sanders traded punches when a discussion about who collected more vitamins led to a heated argument about who had the coolest head of Church. No conclusion was reached, but they eventually agreed that both of their religions were a lot more fun than Islam. There is no word on whether Fahd Ahmad, the lone M1 Muslim, plans to declare a Jihad against the white infidels. Radio chatter, however, has picked up considerably in the past few days. Students are advised to turn a suspicious eye towards all brown people near the library and other sensitive areas. Witt Makes Inroads With Asian Community Exit polling from the recent M1 elections shows that president-elect Anna M. Witt was able to win, in large part, due to her courting of the Asian vote. Polls showed Witt won 50% of the Asian vote by gaining the support of Diana Dang.
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Match Day will take on a whole new meaning after you read this hot
news story.
End-of-block
exams tend to bring out the extremes in every student, and with the
recent coming of M1 and M2 exams, we find that this year is no different.
In
the autumn of 2002, first and second year medical students were given
reassurance that their day-to-day lives would not be affected by influence
from the Hunter Group
Akron
In
an attempt to combat the WashU genetic superstudents, MU is admitting
several "special" ability students. 
A
rising new star is emerging from the M1 class, and we bring you the
story of her violent childhood.
