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Dismal Attendance Sparks Lecture Overhaul
New Minority Pushes Way Into Curriculum
Nurses Gone Wild: A Quick Peek
Search
for New Revenue Continues
Man
vs Mutt
New MU medical students looked to take advantage of their new status while in downtown Columbia this past week.
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California To Hold Recall Election, Candidates Abound With the recall of Governor Gray Davis in California, dozens of people have stepped up to challenge for the position. Luminaries runing for office include Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, Larry Flynt, and former MLB commissioner Peter Ueberroth. We couldn't make this shit up if we tried. Bearded Dean Introduces Dating ServiceBeing a medical student is not conducive to finding that perfect someone. Never fear, The Bearded Dean is here to help you find love. To find love of the male variety, call Kevin Clary at 573-886-6104. To find love of the female variety, call Erika Sato at 816-694-8836. AMSA Convention to Find a New Home In an effort to boost board scores across the country, AMSA declared the location of its annual convention will now be decided by whichever medical school boasts the highest average USMLE Step 1 and Step 2 board scores. Odds in Las Vegas give Mizzou 3,000,000-1 odds of obtaining the highest scores. Place your bets and book a room at The Ramada, because Tonic is going to be hoppin' in 2005 when we kick Wash U's ass. M2's Is Stupid Our current crop of M2's are failing exams at an epic rate, according to PBL Guru Ronald Freeman. If the current rate of failure continues, it is believed that approximately .7% of the remaining 93 students will graduate without failing a test. GPC Sponsors New Reality TV Show With the popular runs of shows such as The Bachelor and Joe Millionaire, the Graduate Professional Council, in an effort to lure better looking grad students, has decided to produce its own reality show. Chosen to host this show was none other than Dr.Ronald Freeman, whose scintillating wit has entertained M1's and M2's in PBL and IPC for decades. Students wishing to appear on the show should contact him immediately at freemanr@health.missouri.edu. M2 Declares Himself A Free Agent Josh Metzl, affectionately called "The Freckled Fool" by classmates, has opted out of the last three years of his medical training at MU, and has decided to pursue offers from other schools. "My first year here has proven that I'm a star in a hapless school and a cut above the rest of the class. I want to finish my medical school career at a winning school, not at some budget cutting bottom-line driven state monster that only worries about money." While he has yet to hear from Harvard or Johns Hopkins, rumors circulating indicate that Metzl is being actively pursued by several osteopathic schools from around the country, and may soon head north to Kirksville. MU Curriculum Expands Medical education is expanding at MU and will now include a once-a-week session called 'X-cases,' designed specifically for students who have mastered the types of cases presented in standard PBL sessions. The course designer, Dr. Robert Blake, has said that cases will include bizarre and unheard of medical anomalies "which cannot be solved by any small mind." All students accepted into the class will receive a complimentary black coat, sunglasses and a pair of New Balance running shoes. Dr. Blake insists that these students not communicate with "lesser students" for any reason. Stopping the Bleeding Congress recently voted "yea" for the freezing of all medical care in the United States for the next ten years. The act, in the making since the election of current president George W. Bush, was proposed in order to curb the rapid decline in the quality and diversity of the US gene pool. Senator Kit Bond (R) from Missouri summarized the issue simply by saying "We're just tired of stupid." All hospitals and clinics have been ordered to shut down by January 1st.
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After a dismal year of student attendance in lectures, the front office
of the University of Missouri-Columbia School of Medicine is announcing
some policy changes 
The
medical community initiates efforts to provide better care to a hidden
minority. 
In
the first piece of a multi-part series, The Bearded Dean travels into
the jungle to follow nurses in their natural setting.
The
ongoing budget problems being experienced by the University of Missouri-Columbia
School of Medicine are no secret. 
A
new study reveals startling insights into the intelligence of man's
best friend.
