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The Honor Council has begun a formal investigation into a pathology slide. . . Researchers at the University of Missouri-Columbia have announced a major breakthrough in reproductive technologies . . .
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Blake in Cardiac Intensive Care Unit Professor Robin Blake is in the University CICU and is listed in stable condition after suffering a mild heart attack last Tuesday. Blake apparently collapsed after being told that the New England Journal of Medicine is not, in fact, published by God. TBD Treasure Hunt Folks, there really IS a treasure hunt. Click here for more details! New Memorial Plans Unveiled After months of secret deliberation, the Committee for Remembrance has finally chosen the winning design for its newest memorial. It will commemorate the time and place where Chris Hempel first kissed Dean Hosokowa's butt. The memorial, which will be permanently affixed to Hosokowa's rear once Hempel leaves for his urology residency, will feature a giant pair of lips and the inscription, "My Lips, Your Cheeks, Sweet Taste, Chocolate Leaks." Silverman Under Investigation M2 Brian C. Silverman is now under investigation for honor code violations. The honor council is currently investigating Silverman for facilitating the cheating process by collecting objectives from the class and selling them. "More importantly," said honor council member Jeremy Youse, "We want to know where he's hiding that hair." Changes In USLME On Horizon The USMLE Step 2 will be expanded even further to include 15 rectal exams on patients of varying temperament. This announcement followed a concensus statement by the American Medical Association (AMA) stating that "the population needs to be confident that their doctors can provide a reasonably expeditious and thorough rectal exam on any patient." The extra personnel and time required to implement the new test is expected to cost around $5,000, bringing the cost of fourth year exams to approximately $6,500. All curses, complaints and acts of physical violence should be directed at M2 Rachel Biber. Gardner Unlucky Again David W. Gardner, clinical professor of endocrinology at the MU School of Medicine was diagnosed yesterday with a mild form of Addison's Disease, the one metabolic condition that had eluded him for so many years. Gardner is the only case in the medical literature to have Addison's and Cushings Syndrome. With the new diagnosis, Gardner will have every condition listed in chapters 327-339 of Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine 15th ed. Wieberg Tries New Sales Tactic With disappointing sales of the SIGHT fridge, M1 Jessica Wieberg will start selling herself to fund the SIGHT trip. People making purchases on Friday nights will get half off the price of Saturday night. Come One, Come All M3 Furha Cossor will be offering free elicitation of the cremasteric reflex every weekend in February from 6-7 pm in Acuff auditorium. This event is being held in conjunction with "A Good Man is Hard to Find" month sponsored by student- doctor Cossor and several supportive members of the third year class. All single men are encouraged to attend. CBIG Breaks Fundraising Records The Chris Busken Interest Group, which declined to take any matching MSAC funds, reported raising $2,112 in the last quarter. Surprisingly, all the donations were made by male contributors. When told of this fact, Busken replied, "I always knew that I was God's gift to women but I didn't realize I was God's gift to men as well." Brandon Cho Dead at 22 M1 Brandon Cho
died yesterday of hepatic failure precipitated by a nasty smack habit
and cirrhosis. In other news nobody cares about, Moscow is expecting
snow all week and the McDonald's on Nifong will now offer ketchup
in plastic minicups. |
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A
restraining order was issued today . . .
Clay
Anderson, M.D., clinical professor of oncology at the University of
Missouri Medical school was fired yesterday. 
Anna
Witt has seen her fair share of bodily injuries, but following a skiing
trip over Christmas break to Washington, her body made its final rebellion.
