Russo finds long-lost brother

After years of believing he was actually from Bologna, Italy, Dr. Russo, cardiothoracic surgeon, found a family member he never knew he had. The international wing of CLONES (Company LOoking for NEonates Separated) contacted Russo last week about the possibility of a brother previously unknown to him.

Entertainer Wayne Newton has been working with the CLONES for many years after discovering from a cousin that his mother actually had twins. “My cousin, Blaine Newton, told me he remembered my mother carrying me and another baby around in a paper sack shortly after giving birth, “ said Newton. “Since then, I’ve been on the search for my brother.”

“I was surprised,” explained Russo. “Sure, I’ve been told that we look alike, but the idea never came to me until now.”

Genetic testing was performed by the diagnostic labs here at Mizzou. And, while the two brothers waited for the test results, Mr. Newton treated the crowd at MainStreet to a show. Reportedly several members of the audience threw their bras in excitement.

After the final word had been delivered, the pair went to Olive Garden for some free breadsticks and salad, then to Generic where Russo danced the night away with the go-go dancers. Mr. Newton retired to his hotel with a pack of sorority coeds.

Medical Student Mistaken For Mid-Mo Escapee

M-3 Colin Sauer was on the fifth floor of Maryland Garage last Thursday evening when he was assumed to be a Mid-Missouri Mental Hospital escapee.

"I was just minding my own business, you know, avoiding eye contact with everyone," says a baffled Sauer. "Before I knew it, these men in uniform came at me shouting for me to hold up and stop. Naturally, I was scared and started to run, but I didn't get very far after they tazered me."

Student doctor Sauer was subsequently locked up in Mid-Mo, but the mistake was rectified when the psych team he was on found him on rounds two days later.

M2 Aims to Fry Chicken in Lab C Next Block

After perusing the pages of 20^th century history, M2 Elliot Pennington had an idea. If a man could put on a white suit and call himself “colonel,” then so could he. “I’ve always loved fried chicken,” said Pennington. “It is truly one of those things in life you just love, and you don’t know why.”

Dr. Finley Gibbs, ex-professor of anatomy, explains, “It isn’t sweet. It isn’t sour or salty, or even bitter. What is it then, umami. Umami is like gravy, you just know its good.”

And apparently good for you also. Pennington states, “Fried chicken, especially my secret recipe, has only the good fat, and nothing but good protein for those long workouts. Carbohydrates come from the breading.” When tested in an independent laboratory by a group of MD/PhD’s, a single drumstick packed a whopping 1,345 calories. Nice work, Elliot.

As for the new look, Pennington comments, “In the spirit of my new-found southern conservativism, I’ve decided to follow in the footsteps of my new idol: The Colonel himself.”

“I’ve also dubbed myself, “Corporal.”

Anesthesiologists get lit up at holiday party

The annual holiday party thrown by the department had begun harmlessly enough with cookies and punch and secret Santa's but it began to unravel following Dr. Robert Fisher's entrance with his nitrous balloons.

After a couple of laughs, the other doctor's all ran back to their OR suites and grabbed whatever was handy. The details are hazy, but Rob Mester, M3 and future anesthesiologist, managed to piece together this story.

"It was crazy, it started out with IV injections, but then when the Versed took hold and no one was able to obtain IV access, I saw stuff being given IM, sub-Q...even PR! It began to really get out of hand!

Thankfully, Saif ur Rehman had only been able to find Rocuronium from his drug drawer, and before any more damage could be done, everyone became paralyzed."

Celebrity Gossip

Newly single Giardia lamblia has been spending a lot of time lately with well-known skank Trichomonas vaginalis. After her recent break-up with K. federalis, Giardia has been causing more than her usual foul-smelling, voluminous diarrhea.

Bad-girl Trichomonas seems to be sharing her infectious influence, as evidenced by this exclusive shot of the purulent pair celebrating a night of voracious vaginitis.

Other than a brief comeback with 2003 hit “Toxic,” Giardia has been suffering a creative and social famine since her classic 2000 album, “Poops, I shitted again.”

Family practice docs draw power from unusual source

Those affiliated with the Bearded Dean have, of course, long been fans of beards. After all, it is what’s on our header. But could it be that entire departments could be driven by some secret power that beards hold? In an impromptu survey, we discovered that the Department of Family and Community Medicine by far had most physicians donning facial hair. Is it just a coincidence that MU’s FP program is one of the strongest in the country? We interviewed several of the programs “more bearded,” to find out.

Dr. Steven Zweig
“I’ve always been fond of the beard to tell you the truth, but I hadn’t had one since my residency, so I just decided to grow back the ol’ chinstrap. And boy-howdy, am I glad I did. The chicks are falling over me like dominoes. Dominoes baby.”

Dr. David Cravens
“I could be flogged for telling you this, but there is a secret society of FP docs. Blake has a meeting every month and we… we do things… unspeakable things.”

Dr. Daniel Vinson
“Beards aren’t anything more than the representation of testosterone, and of course, supreme power. Some say, even divine power. We (the bearded) are known to many these days as the “keepers.” Others call us the Prior of Zion. Other than that, beards are just pretty sweet.”

Faux-Doc Dana Galbraith
“Beards? Who, Mark Beard? Yeah, I know him.”

Although the verdict is out on the true impact of facial hair, one thing is for sure. The Department of Family and Community Medicine are trendsetters. They've been growing huge beards and mustaches for years. Dr. Zweig adds, "I had that darn chinstrap in the 70s, and I was 'the man.' Now, I see all these Amish with chinstraps and I think, 'I like your style Brother Emil, but I was growing those before being Amish was a religion.'"

UPDATE: Nick Ludwig ruins football season

Last issue we reported that Nick Ludwig had refused to buy tickets from would-be sellers in an email conversation. Students and faculty were outraged alike, and some suggested it could seriously effect the outcome of the football season if he continued to not buy tickets. Well, look what happened. After the last issue of the Bearded Dean was released, the Tigers tanked the season. Thanks for screwing us, Nick.