"I Want the Bloody Guarantee"

Recently engaged student doctor, Zak Hugo, agreed to contribute an op-ed piece for the Bearded Dean regarding his recent appearance in The Columbia Daily Tribune:

Okay, look guys. I understand the concern about blood diamonds.  I don’t want to support senseless killing in Africa.  However, you have to admit that there’s something very attractive about linking human sacrifice to the engagement ring.  So, I decided to make a special request to my local jeweler:

“Ma’am, please give me proof of blood-shed in the history of this diamond if you want full price.”

Surprisingly, she quickly complied.  After a brief glance in both directions, she pulled a small cutting board from under the counter.  Quickly eyeballing the serial number on the underside of the board, she promptly spoke:

“Here you go. This one is from…Tanzania.  The boy’s name was Kyubo, and he no longer has a left hand.”

“Sweet. She’ll love it.”  

Balzer Weighs-In on New Purchase

Peeps,

Contrary to popular belief, my new Porsche is the nicest car in the Maryland Ave garage.  What’s that, M1 ladies?  Hmm?  You don’t know what I’m talking about?  Okay, okay, so I bought a Porsche.  That's right.  A Porsche.  It's a red Porsche Boxster-S with a black convertible top, a fat 2.7L 6-cylinder engine with a pimp 295 horses to tug this train…oh, and pimped rims.  The driver's leather seat fits my butt just fine, and I'm quite sure that the passenger side will wrap any hottie tight.  Sure, the stereo is stock, but stock on a Porsche rocks hard!  Most people don't know this about me, but I have a funky side, and I've been known to toss a chill groove into the CD player and crank it loud.

I make sure that I hit the gas really hard when the light turns green. People love it.  You should see the crowd outside Quentins everytime I drive by.  They all making noise and all that, trying to get a peek out the window.  I bet they assume it’s a doctor driving it.  Sometimes I wonder what my classmates would give up just to get a ride in my Porsche   I mean, um, obviously they’d want me to drive wherever we go.  I know Scott Norris’s wife (or maybe it was Scott) had a great time when she (he?) rode along with the top down the other day.    

For those of you who know me, you all remember that I totally trashed out my Honda Civic.  For example, sometimes I would lose my stethoscope in there and not have it for days.  I mean, that's nothing like the time I dropped it in the potato chip aisle at Gerbes and lost it for a week, but that's another story. 

I’ll never trash the Porsche, though. I’m totally going to change that part of my life.  I’m going to have it together now that I have a Porsche.  Clean apartment, beautiful car…and the girlfriend will naturally follow. Of course, at some point she’ll get cold. And my white coat will quickly warm her up.

- Balzer

The Bearded Dean has obtained exclusive reports from reliable sources that M3 Anna Harris has been spotted cavorting about with an unidentified, mysterious gentleman of unprecedented maturity.

Jason Foil, M3, says, “I saw them together in Main Street Café last week. At first I thought it was her dad, but before I could get close enough to tell, he escaped. It was like Houdini or some shit.”

Many have tried to properly photograph this mysterious man. All have failed. Craig Karpman, M3, says of her attempt, “I had heard the rumors. Sure, I was excited the first time I saw them together near Lakota. But he was gone before I could effectively position my Russian spy camera. As for his looks, I was certainly impressed by his maturity. He had a certain antiquity about him.”

When questioned directly, Anna simply smiles dreamily and replies, “Ummmmm. I don’t know!” She has refused time and time again to reveal his true identity. However, our top Bearded Dean investigator was able to snap this low quality shot of the mature mystery man. If you have any information regarding his identity, contact the authorities immediately. We are considering him armed, dangerous, and well-aged. You know, like a good whiskey.

Hey people who schedule M2 practice pelvic exams in the OME,
Just wanted to remind you that Feb. 14, 2007 marks the one-year anniversary when a handful of M2's and I plunged our index and middle fingers into a stranger's vagina. Can't wait to see what surprise you have for us this year! You're sick, Valentine's Day Ruiner.
-Scarred for life

Hey M3 girls,
I'm still married and NOT available.
-Hugs n kisses, Pete Rippey

Merry Uchiyama,
Merry, merry, quite contrary; how does your garden grow?
with silver bells & cockle shells, or do you prefer to mow?
-Your Friend

I would like to send Valentine's to everyone in my class (yay for the class of 2007) -- I love every last one of them.
-Sarah Lovinger

I would also like to send lotsa love to my three roommates: Jamie Dost, Jennifer Horst, and Laura Neff (they are so beautiful that they'll get lots of V-Day cards from boys, so they probably don't need more wishes from me, but I get to enjoy whatever flowers they bring home)
-Sarah Lovinger

Wishes to the quickly-diminishing men still on the "available" list.

-Single women in med school

Sarah Lovinger sends out a very special Valentine to herself, because we all know she won’t get one from anyone else.

Brian Fuller,
Happy Valentine's day my precious.  I was hoping for a ring on my finger this block, but I guess for now I will have to settle for our midnight makeout sessions in Lab B.
-Helen

Dave Brooks,The love letter you sent last month was freaking creepy.  Please quit sending me videos of you dancing naked to my audio lectures.  Get over your mancrush on me.
-Goljan

Ben Kinnear,
You know. . . my husband IS all the way in Virginia.  Maybe we could have a Shigella-smellin party.
-Louise Thai

Baby Esther,
Happy First Valentine's day kiddo!  That's not weird, right?  I mean, I'm just sayin happy valentines day.  but seriously. . . call me in 18 years.
-Ben Kinnear

Kelly Murphy,
Between your duties as the only female AMMO officer, self-appointed Empress of the M1 Class, and your ceaseless work emailing the masses, it's clear you no longer have time for me. You don't want me anymore and I'll have to accept that. You'll always be special to me. I miss you.
Love Always, Your Dignity

DV,
Thank you for that special night last block...you remember the one with the champagne, blindfolds and the french tickler.  It was magical.
Your valentine,  LS

Dr. Hwang,
It's called heat labile toxin, bitch.  Look it up.  I own you.
-Dominic Sanford

Dear Godiva Girls,
On this valentine's day, remember, that despite what other people might say or think, we are not the "crunch bar crew," "the golden girls," "tootsie pops," or any other low-quality chocolate.  We are top-of-the-line ladies, just like the chocolate (found only in finer department stores and Barnes & Noble).
-EmS

Dear Friends who sit next to me in lecture,
Thank you for playing hang-man and doing mad-libs with me during case wrap-ups.
-The hula hoop girl

Dear Stacy,
I'm glad you drive my frozen ass to school.
-Em

Dear Dad,
I love you.  You are the best dad in the world!  Happy Valentine's Day.  Get me a babysitter and take mom out for dinner.
Love, Ava Keup

Divya,
Due to the fact that you and I see each other for only 1 hour every day, I think I have to match with Stacy.  I'm sorry, no wait, I WISH things were different, but don't worry, since you have grown so close to the Parkers, I'm sure you can match with them.
-The bendable godiva