Bearded Dean Literary Achievements Rejected by HuMed Literary Magazine

Since its inception many moons ago, the Bearded Dean has always held true to the highest standards of journalistic and artistic ideals. We have intellectual meetings and sometimes we even drink coffee and wear hats from various time periods, effectively creating our own “Finer Things Club.” We speak of art and life and the future of things. Aren’t these the pursuits of true humanists? We think so.

Sure, we poke a bit of fun at the masses, but isn’t that charge of many of the world’s greatest artisans. Take for example, one of the lesser-known signers of the Declaration of Independence. Instead of signing his own name, he signed “Bite Me, England.” Or the great philosopher Rene Descartes, when he came up with existentialism, he was stoned out of his mind and tripping on ‘shrooms. He actually said, “Dude, check this one out… I think; therefore, I am. [laughter]”

So, as important contributors to modern literature, we wished to submit our musings to the highest power in our little world: Humanism in Medicine Literary Magazine. Alas, we were thwarted.

HuMed cofounder Joliette Barnum, laughed in our faces when we handed over a stack of beautifully-crafted manuscripts. “What, is this some kind of fucking joke?,” asked Barnum pointedly.  Shocked that she’d use profanity in our presence, we sheepishly replied, “No, in fact, this is a literary representation of a microcosm of societal throes in the midst of a transcendental utopian dreamscape otherwise known as reality.  I’m surprised you didn’t gather this.”  She then spit in our faces and stomped on the draft.  Bush league.

“I’m appalled at her insensitivity,” stated M4 Emily Burns, “Why would she spit on you?”  We had the same question, Emily.  The same question. 

Former humanist and current pessimist, M3 Elliott Pennington explained, “The humanists are an elite bunch.  That’s why I left.  In order to be published, they think you have to write a beautiful haiku or some heartfelt story about a dying old lady and Clay Anderson.”

By the way, we were publishing haikus before they were cool. Take that, HuMed!

Skills Lab Planned for New Big Building

The OME, in conjunction with the ACGME, RRC, LCME, et. al., has planned for a state-of-the-art skills lab somewhere in the new building by the nuthouse.

Anesthesia has developed a simulator where students can actually inhale NOS. They plan to get their supply from the local lowrider shop.

Surgery plans for a new electronic simulator. And Family Practice has arranged for a few couches and coffee for students to read "Slow Dance," and "The Spirit Catches You, Then You Fall Down."

Med School Courtyard Muggings on the Rise

With the decreased day length that comes with winter, something different has increased to take its place: crime.  Inadequate lighting and surveillance in the small enclosed courtyard between the medical school and the hospital have made it prime territory for those hoping to prey on unaware, sleep-deprived students passing through.

When questioned over what their response will be to this spike in crime, MU police said that they plan on installing one to two emergency call stations for people in trouble to use to alert the authorities.  MU Police Officer Charles O’Grady remarked, “While the average response time is somewhere between five and ten minutes, the call stations should act more as a deterrent to crime than anything else.”  He also offered several safety suggestions to distressed medical students.  “Many people think that talking on a phone while in the courtyard is safe, but it actually diverts your attention enough to give the criminals an edge,” said Officer O’Grady.  He also warned people to report any loiterers seen in the courtyard and to try to completely avoid using the courtyard if at all possible.

The fact that these attacks happen at night has brought up worries of possible vampire-related crime, but Officer O’Grady stated that the vast majority of the crimes are straight muggings, although for some reason he added that rape and domestic abuse always go under-reported in any set of statistics.

This crime wave has come at an especially bad time because it has caused the postponement of an OME project aimed at introducing a population of eastern gray squirrels to the courtyard.  The staff previously dedicated to that project now have nothing else to do but sit, wait, and gossip.

The Interview Process of the Integrated Resident

1. Talk to department chair of what you are interested in, tell them that you are not an FMG

2. Write the required essay for ERAS, with the whole essay being “Hey, its me”

3. While classmates are on interviews, go into resident lounge in short white coat, eat free lunchmeat

4. Get married (it helps, apparently)

5. Reassure department you are not an FMG

M1 class suffering from PMS

Apparently, the class of 2011 thought it would be smooth sailing once those first couple of tests were over, but sadly that is not turning out to be the case. It turns out that they have to pay for their own graduation. Can you believe that? It is SO unfair for the OME to do that to them! The KU OME is paying for their M1s’ graduation, and they’re even throwing a kegger afterward. The KU OME is so cool. Maybe the M1 class just won’t hold a graduation. How would that look to the LCME, huh? Then everyone will know what a horrible OME you are. YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!!! The OME gave the M1 class a some time cool down with a half-gallon of rocky road, but upon trying to contact the class, all they received back was an e-mail asking that no further mass e-mails be sent.

Dr. Gardner Urges Fatties to “Just give up and die”

Dr. Gardner once again gave his controversial obesity lecture to the M2 class, which was met with heckling and light arson.  He offered the idea that diet and exercise, no matter what the regimen, are not sufficient to bring obese individuals down to a normal healthy weight for any extended period of time.  Following those remarks, M2s answered with a barrage of hard-hitting questions.  “I diet and exercise, and I’m not obese.  How do you explain that?” quipped Student Doctor Allison Howard.  Dr. Gardner answered her by quietly pointing to a chart.  He went on to explain that gastric bypass surgery is the only method that has shown significant weight loss with no remission back to obesity.  When asked by M2 Evan Cameron to repeat a sentence, Dr. Gardner countered with the remark, “You’re stupid, aren’t you?  I’m surrounded by idiots.”  At one point Emily Griffard threw a tomato.

Bearded Dean investigative reporters have since unearthed a relationship between Dr. Gardner and the department of bariatric surgery.  Apparently for every patient referred for gastric bypass surgery, Dr. Gardner is granted five dollars in Taco Bell bucks.  He is due to appear before the ethics committee later this year.

Personal Statement of the Month:  Scott Matz

I'm Scott Matz, and here’s the deal: There’s no other way to go except surgery.  I used to think I could do Medicine, but then I was like Goodnight!  Seriously…um no.  End of story. 

And here’s why… I ask you this:  What does everyone need?  A surgeon.  Which is why I want to do surgery.  I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with medicine.  Its great for those who can do it.  But as for me – no question about it, surgery, hands down.

How many applicants do you have? Two hundred? Three hundred? I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter.  All you need is me. 

But I don’t need to talk you into this, just take a look at my pic.  I am your man.