M3 considered rural track; opts for “Executive Track”
 The rural track has been popular with M3 students for many years now as an option to do a rotation away from the hustle and bustle of the big city of Columbia. Those who have participated in it have raved about the experience, citing a return to a more basic way of medicine, one that emphasizes the H&P and patient interaction and pushes for patient care as opposed to the business side of medicine. This year however, there is one M3 who decided to pursue a different route. This year, Brenon Abernathie is on the executive track.
We caught up with Brenon at lunch in Ladue and asked him to explain the reasons behind his choice. “When it comes to medicine at Mizzou, I always felt that the wealthy have been an underserved population. I mean, the veterans and Medicaid patients are spoken for, that’s about all we see. But I can’t remember the last time I helped someone who was wearing fur.”
Deciding that Columbia wasn’t the place to give him the opportunity he wanted, Abernathie contacted a doctor in Ladue, a wealthy suburb in St. Louis, and asked if he could complete his rotations with him.
“Well”, Brenon says, “my rotations aren’t that different from anyone else’s. My surgery rotation consists of four weeks of specialty, during which I chose to do plastics, and then afterwards, four additional weeks of plastics. Psychiatry and peds is combined, just because of the high incidence of upset kids who got a Beamer instead of a Mercedes. Ob-Gyn and Medicine have been replaced by “Spa” and family practice has been dropped completely because of all the “communication” it involves with the patients.”
M1's cut back on gross anatomy lab
 University of Missouri - Columbia School of Medicine has determined that human anatomy is useless in medical education, citing the marked infrequency of USMLE questions pertaining to anatomy. In an attempt to honor the persistent request of first-year medical students to keep gross anatomy in the curriculum, the OME has decided to "cut back" on the dissection portion of the course.
"You can learn a lot from the left forearm," says associate dean Michael Hosokawa, commenting on the dissection assignment for the first 10 weeks of medical school.
By the end of the first year, the class of 2010 is on pace to complete the dissection of their cadavers' left arm, right thigh, left eye, and genitalia.
"I'm okay with it," says M1 Steve Ipke, "But I'd love to see a gall bladder before I graduate."
This new trend is quite concerning to surgeons, internal medicine doctors, pediatricians, and all other physicians that take care of humans with human bodies.
When asked about his thoughts on the matter, Cadaver #7 declined comments.
Friggatriskaidekaphobes tired of “label”
 The first question you’re likely asking yourself is, what is a Friggastricskaidekaphobe? This is the term given to those afraid of Friday the Thirteenth.
“Frankly, we’re tired of having to pronounce it,” said M4 Sarah Lovinger. “Not to mention, who wants to be known as a “frigga” anything?”
New dad, and M3, Alfred Johnson said, “I want my boy to be able to walk the streets with his head held high, without being labeled by non-friggastricskaidekaphobes, or as we like to think of them, non-believers.”
“Non-believers,” as Johnson has labeled them, may actually be wrong in their candor relating to this dreaded of days. Multiple research studies have been conducted showing an increase in ER visits and traffic accidents on Friday the 13th, as opposed to “normal” Fridays.
Friggastricskaidekaphobes or not, they’re not happy and their national association, Friggastricskaidekaphobes of America, has established a task force to derive a new term.
It’s All About Vision: Old Goggles Foil Optometrists
Rising healthcare costs have caused patients to look to practitioners without medical school training. This has caused quite a frenzy in the medical community.
“What’s the point of going to medical school anymore?” vents Dr. Donald Doll, oncologist and tenured medical school professor. “We’ve got midwifes delivering babies, psychologists writing prescriptions, CRNAs anesthetizing without supervision. It’s nonsensical! I’d like to see these amateurs come up with a quick fix for diffuse large cell lymphoma.”
But despite the trend towards more cost-effective MD substitutes, the field of ophthalmology has made advances in regaining lost turf to optometrists.
“The answer was simple. We needed to find our roots,” said Dr. Dean Hainsworth, head of ophthalmology at MU, as he unveiled a pair of refurbished Optometrist’s Spectacles, he found in a garage sale.
Current ophtho-residents are perplexed by its manual nature. But M3 Michael Robertson has zealously embraced the new initiative. “I come from a time before computers, and so naturally, I was sold on the potential of these hand-powered gizmos – it just doesn’t get better than this.”
In fact, Robertson and Hainsworth are spearheading an effort re-train hundreds of board-certified ophthalmologists in an accelerated fellowship program over Memorial Weekend 2007. “Contrary to popular belief, eye docs do more than use fancy machines and Tobrex. These Spectacles can’t be operated by just anyone. They’re our ticket to job security. And with any luck, Welch Allyn will be selling these in their new equipment line next Fall,” adds an optimistic Hainsworth.
However M-3 and skeptic, Paul Bradley, is irate about the current expansion in ophthalmology. “I understand the concerns regarding quality of retinal surgery at Pearle Vision. But these annoying fashion goggles really chap my ass! I’ve spent months harvesting corneas and mastering the slit lamp. And for what? So that a pair of four-eyes could ultimately save the day?” Bradley recently announced his resignation from Students Interested in Uveitis, and has declared plans to pursue a career in Urology instead.
When asked to comment, he stated, “I’m relieved to say, it is just not practical to reinvent some pre-historic anal probe that will replace real medicine.” Pearle Vision, which recently introduced strabismus correction as its newest same-day service, declined to comment on the new initiative aimed at curbing optometrists.
Ludwig says “Nay” to tickets
 Despite being offered football tickets to the MU game against Kansas State multiple times, Nick Ludwig has formally refused. In an important email conversation on Tuesday, Ludwig replied saying, “I don’t need any tickets, thanks.” This reply has students puzzled as to why he didn’t seem to care about their under-the-table business dealings.
Neil Rajanna, who has difficulty spelling monosyllabic words, was an active participant in the discussion earlier this week. “I can’t believe Ludwig’s blatant disregard for the things I care about,” explained Rajanna. “I mean, I’d care if he wanted some tickets. By the way, I’m selling an old particle board desk for $8 if you’re interested.”
Faculty too, are confused about Ludwig’s disinterest
Dr. Bert Bachrach, an avid Mizzou supporter, released a statement on Thursday stating, “This is the sort of thing that could kill a 6-0 season right quick. When I find this kid, I’m gonna say, ‘hey kid, WTF man, why don’t you want any tickets.’”
Concern over this controversy has prompted the OME to release an official statement. “We encourage our students to become caring physicians, to take a vested interest in their patients and peers. This includes buying and selling whatever pertinent items students see fit.” Further commenting, Dr. Rachel Brown, Dean of Student Affairs, stated, “We just don’t know what we’re going to do at this time. Frankly, I believe Mr. Ludwig is a bit of a twit.”
When reached for comment, Ludwig stated, “Dude, I just wanted everyone to know that if they had tickets to get rid of, they could try the other 380 students first. I thought I was doing everyone a favor. Now they can mark me off the list.”
M3 mistaken for Jesus
 Third-year student Justin Dyer has played the role of many people in his day, but never had he been expected to fill the role of J.C. until Wednesday morning.
“I was busy prerounding on my medicine patients, when I walked into a room of four detox patients on the floor praying,” said the unsuspecting Dyer. “I didn’t think too much of it, those guys are always partying in their own worlds.”
But what happened next wasn’t run of the mill. When they turned to look at who had interrupted their worship, there stood, who they believed to be Jesus.
“One man fainted, and another woman started screaming all kinds of crazy Latin stuff,” said Dyer. “For a second, I thought I was still feeling the effects of the night before, but then the nurses came in to try to calm them down, and I realized they were praying to me, when one of them grabbed my coat and said, ‘Save me Jesus.’”
“After that, I was like ‘Holy s##t,’” explained Dyer, “I’m having a religious experience.”
This experience has led Dyer to reexamine his own beliefs, and now is contemplating the fact that he may be a prophet, and plans to give morning sermons on 4E for those interested.
The Truth from Jenn Stuth
 The following is a Bearded Dean exclusive interview with M2 Jenn Stuth, world-renowned expert on prostate cancer.
BD: Jenn, welcome to the studio.
JS: Thanks.
BD: So, is there any new hope in the way of treating prostate cancer in aging men?
JS: Well, I like to stick to my favorite medicine: a swift kick to the gonads. You know, hormonal therapy.
BD: Uhh...I guess that's one way to put it. Well..er..what are your thoughts on screening and prevention?
JS: The PSA assay? Pshaw! It has it's ups and downs, as you know. However, the best prevention is unarguable: complete and early castration. Nearly 60% of males in this country are circumcised. How difficult would it be to expand this minor surgery to include the family jewels?
BD: Hmm.
JS: And, for those XY-ers that slip through the cracks, the preschool screening could be tweaked to include a "turn-your-head-and-cough-as-I-turn-your-junk-and-pull" maneuver.
BD: That's a great point, but wouldn't that eliminate manhood as we know it?
JS: Yes.
BD: Ha ha! I like your sense of humor! But seriously, how do you really feel?
JS: Hrahhhghghhhg!!!!!
BD: ...[choke]...[hack]....[cri-du-chat utterance].......[!@#%@#$#%^$#^%@#$%@#$%!]
JS: Any questions?
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