Meyer admitted to his own unit

Prankster youth come out in droves around the end of October. As Halloween nears, the number of mischief-related accidents steadily increases, reaching its peak on the last night of the month. This fall has been no different, and one our attendings has become an unfortunate victim.

Dr. Nick Meyer, burn surgeon, had just finished ICU rounds and was heading downstairs to clinic yesterday, when he found a little “present” on doorstep of the newest addition to the hospital, the Burn Unit. There, just beyond the security doors, was a small paper bag on fire.

“I thought to myself, ‘Oh the irony,’” stated Meyer. “A flaming bag, on fire, in front of the burn unit, and I’m a burn surgeon, what a wonderful coincidence.”

Donning his yellow isolation gown, he proceeded to stomp out the fire. But, as many would guess, the bag was full of poo, no doubt gathered from one of the many ostomies on the service. Just as he realized the contents of the bag, the fire took to the yellow gown, and Meyer burst into flames.

“I shouted, then stopped, dropped and rolled,” explained Meyer. “The only problem was that I was rolling in crap, which made my the situation all the worse.”

Meyer sustained partial and full-thickness burns, but is expected to fully recover without the need for skin grafting.

After the incident, Dr. James Kraatz, Burn Unit Director, made it a point to prepare for future incidents that may occur in the hospital. As a result, the BICU, and all the residents’ call rooms will now stock ‘Poop Freeze,’ an innovative fire-extinguisher designed to put out flaming poo.

Construction offers unique opportunity for income generation

It seems as though the University is constantly pouring cash into various construction projects. For example, last month a crew of 200 was paid union-wages to tear up the sod in the Quad, then put it back again. The new construction supervisor is out to change this sort of waste, by providing a set of checks and balances.

“We’re trying to make money, by spending money,” states the supervisor in a memorandum released this week. “So, we’re turning the latest addition to the hospital into a haunted house for Halloween.”

“Pack a construction zone with biohazard waste from a hospital and you’ve got a pile a fun, I tell you what,” states M1 anatomy fan, Bret Sanders.

The OME was apparently timid to release the remains of cadaveric donors to the project, but they put up a weak fight. “Chancellor Deaton really put the screws to us,” stated Dr. Hosokawa. “He said he wanted real blood and guts to make the experience unique enough to draw the crowds, so we gave it to him.”

Students are expected to work the door; a way for the University to make even more money. Additionally, students will be expected to fill out an evaluation form for the event, from which their evaluations will be evaluated and an objective grade will be given based on the findings. “It’s gonna be a real hoot,” states Dr. Hoffman, queen of evaluations.

“I can’t wait to ride the elevator shaft ride,” explains M2 Alex Teeters, “I hear there isn’t an elevator at all, and you go really fast on the way down.”

UPDATE: Is the Dean Dyin’?

Subjective: We reported on an evolving story last month: one of the Bearded Dean himself. He remains tearful this month, as no one has stepped up to carry on the tradition. He states he still has some suicidal ideation, but denies having a plan.

Objective: Patient reading Harrison's in the dark on today's visit.
HEENT:  Huge, really sweet beard.
Resp:  CTAB
Heart:  Bradycardia, melancholy rhythm, depressing holosystolic murmur
Abd:  Bugs Bunny tattoo
Extremities:  Old

Assessment: 134 y/o white male who presented to the ER with CP in September. Ruled out for MI.CXR revealed fractured left ventricle, or a broken heart in layman's terms. Currently being treated for depression. Psych is following.

Plan: 
1.  Zoloft 500 mg bid
3.  Encourage all M1’s, M2’s, and M3’s to save the Bearded Dean before it’s too late.

We need people to take over the tradition. If you're interested in saving the Dean, email us. 

ERAS Personal Statement of the Month

I am THE “go-to-guy” in an emergency. If something’s wrong, I’m already there with my CPR skills ready to go, especially if there’s a lady-trauma-victim.

No but seriously, when I see an emergency unfold, I think to myself, “Hunsel, you know what to do,” and then I become a machine with one goal in mind: to look good. I am quick on my feet, cool in heated situations, and the nurses love me, they really love me. Seriously, they love me. You might think I’d get into a lot of trouble with my charismatic ways, but don’t worry: I’ve been good. I’ve been REAL good. In short, I’m the James Bond of Emergency Medicine, and I’m ready to take your ER to another level.

Medical Student Addicted to Placebo’s

Colleen McEvoy: honor student, role model, risk taker.  It is unfortunately this last attribute that has led to the sad story we at the Bearded Dean are here to report today.  It all began during her research project that was testing the effects of Adderall versus placebo on the pediatric population.  When one of her patients refused to take his pill, as kids will often do, Colleen swallowed a pill to show him how it was done.  Why did she do that, knowing that it could be the stimulant that she was taking? Because she doesn’t care, that’s why. 

The Dean talked to her attending, Dr. Joy Drass, and asked her about what transpired.  “I didn’t think it was a big deal, because I knew it was just the placebo.  However, the project had to be cancelled the following week when all of the placebos disappeared.  The only thing left in its place was a card signed ‘Little Red Riding Hood.’  Who the hell steals placebos?  I mean they were Tic-Tacs!” 

The Dean did a little bit of sleuthing and put two and two together when they saw Colleen grabbing a handful of the packets from the table in Main Street.  Not the blue packets, and not the yellow packets, but the pink packets.  The good stuff.  When the Dean confronted Miss McEvoy on this behavior, she responded, “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so….scared!”

Fat People Wear Bigger Clothes

A recent Harvard study showed that fat people wear bigger clothes than small people. The results of this study have had far-reaching implications, as 70% of Americans are overweight. Stores across the country are stocking up on larger sizes, and newer chains such as “Thick Girl” and “Gynormous” are filling up local malls.

“I can never find my size,” says M3 Kora Fikes, “Even smalls are too big – Its like they’ve totally changed the scale.” But scales are not trustworthy, according to Dr. David Gardner, lipoprotein disorder specialist. “I embrace obesity. Its all about leptin and mutant blubber.”

However, some experts including pediatric endocrinologist Dr. Bert Bachrach blame fast-food restaurants for the scarcity of small clothes. “Kids are just fatties these days. It seems that all the small people disappeared when the small fries were erased from the drive-thru menu and now we all have to wear baggy clothes.” With magazines depicting skinny models and doctors like Gardner denouncing vegetables, its hard to know what to do – or where to shop.

Depressed People Really Just Lazy

One in four Americans meets the criteria for clinical depression and 80% will be depressed at some time in their lives. But why are the numbers so high?

“People who blame society, or negligent parents, or some sort of traumatic experience – well they are just pathetic cowards,” says Dr. Bernard Beitman, professor of clinical psychiatry. But then who is to blame for these staggering numbers?

M1 Lindsey Martin says, “I’m depressed, but not a coward. I’m just scared of Dr. Campbell, I think he’s a zombie. Does that mean it is all my fault?” According to Dr. Beitman, the answer is yes.

“Depressed people have only themselves to blame,” says a spokesperson for the American College of Psychiatrists. “In fact, depression is just a poorly disguised form of laziness. Its easier to be depressed than to face your problems.”

“I drink away my sadness,” says M4 Adam Baker, who recently awoke from a five-month bender to tutor M1’s.

In fact, the ACP recently released a position statement regarding depression. “It’s bringing us all down. The fact of the matter is that depressed people should just quit being lazy. It would save everyone a lot of pointless talking.”