The End of a Dream: Fat Study Falls Short of Goal
Columbia, MO—Physician, teacher, and advocate for adiposity, Dr. Gardner has finally lost the will to continue, a sorrowful yet smug Dr. James Sowers announced to the M2 class this morning. According to the Institutional Review Board, he has finally decided to remove the tubes that for many years have attempted to fill his abdomen with adipose tissue, a testament, Sowers mentioned, to Gardner’s long-standing belief that it isn’t someone’s fault when they get fat. Initially his theories of obesity fell on deaf ears in the Cosmopolitan International Diabetes Clinic, where he interviewed for a position more than 345lbs of abdominal fat allografts ago.
 He was immediately bothered by the name of the clinic, observing that some people “simply don’t know how to name things anymore.” He tried to convince the faculty to change the name to “It Isn’t Your Fault Diabetes Clinic”, but Dr. Brietzke, another endocrinologist who believes people choose to be fat, felt that such a name would give patients no incentive to avoid evil, unhealthy food items at Main Street Café.
Disagreements such as this inspired Dr. Gardner’s long-term research into getting fat without eating too much. As the project progressed, support for the previously 73-lb professor grew to include nearly everyone in the diabetes clinic and even Dr. Salzer who some believe may also be a participant in the study. When questioned about the obvious discrepancy between his own weight and his fellow participant Dr. Salzer’s stature, he answered, “One word: Leptin.”
The support for Gardner increased with his waist-to-hip ratio which, as of last Thursday, had been stable at 3.6 for the previous three months. Some suspect that this inability to expand his peritoneum any further may be the reason for ending the project, but Sowers is doubtful. “This man loves the fact that he’s fat without blame. He feels like he fits in. I mean, it isn’t like it’s unheard of to be a blimp in Missouri! Bottom line? He isn’t depressed. He’s a mess, and he loves it.”
 M1 Class Named Worst Class Ever
Despite high hopes from the OME, they have released exclusive news to The Bearded Dean that this year’s M1 class is decidedly the worst class ever.
First year student Merry Uchiyama claims, “What are they talking about? I got a 45 on my MCAT, and I know pretty much everything!”
Fellow M1, Paul “Dancin” Hansen angrily agrees, “Dude, I was born in 1985. Don’t tell me I haven’t paid my dues to get here!”
This news comes as great relief to many upperclassmen, reassuring them that they are no longer part of a worst class ever. “It just feels good to know that someone is dumber than you,” says M2 Katheryn Becherer.
When asked to comment, Dean Crist replied, “Students constantly complain about rising tuition costs. They blame us, but they don’t realize the cost of stupidity. Well, I can give you one solid reason for tuition hikes: the Class of 2010.
Blake increases sensitivity and specificity of H&P to 100%
In an unprecedented move, Dr. Robert Blake, long-time faculty member and legendary PBL tutor, has released a paper proclaiming to have done away with all diagnostic tests.
“Technology has its place, don’t get me wrong,” said Blake. “ For example, I like my toaster and my electric car. They are examples of useful technology. Medical technology, on the other hand, is an absolute waste of resources.”
 With this in mind, Blake set out to raise the bar on the traditional H&P. Armed with only a stethoscope, a reflex hammer, and a 125hz tuning fork, he developed a ritual-like method of delving into the history of his patients. In the process, he managed to increase the sensitivity and specificity of the H&P to 100 percent.
“It all goes back to the history. We’ve always said you get 90% of what you need to know by just talking to the patient. Now, that figure is outdated. Today, we can diagnose anything in the clinic using my patent-pending methods.”
When asked to comment on Blake’s research, Dr. Robert Churchill, chairman of the radiology department, remarked, “I was under the impression that CTs and MRIs were the future, but thankfully Blake proved me wrong. Now, I can go look for a new career."
 M2 Falls Short in Attempt to “Selleckize” His Game
Dave Brooks has no trouble getting women. In fact, I had to make an appointment 3 months in advance just to interview him. His schedule is usually full with modeling shoots, runway shows, and “appointments” with his mistresses. All of that wasn’t enough for this ambitious heartthrob; he wanted more.
Brooks told me, “I just thought to myself, ‘Who really has it together? Who REALLY gets attention from the ladies?’ The answer is clear: Tom Selleck." The former Magnum PI star has always been followed by gaggles of ovulating women, and he is currently rumored to be dating Jessica Alba despite being 61 years old.
“I realized that women really dig the mustache. It’s a sign of manhood. You know. . . virility.”, said Brooks. His attempts have fallen short, however, as his upper lip has only sparse patches of manhood. Selleck commented on Brooks' attempt by saying, "You can try all you want son. But I'm Magnum for God's sake. I was Quigley."
Brooks hopes to have completed his “Selleckization” by Fall ’08, but many are doubtful he will succeed.
Well-Rounded Students More Polygonal in Med School
Medical school admissions committees across the country proudly tout how they are looking for “the most well-rounded students” of the undergrad crop. The more athletics, music, clothes modeling, student government, raking-leaves-for-old-people, and other extra-curriculars a college student can squeeze into his or her pre-med curriculum, the better. Thus, for the past several years med schools have been stocked with a more cultured, happy-go-lucky, and…you know…well-rounded bunch.
However, new studies are now showing that these very students are becoming more polygonal as the med school years tick by.
“On average, a medical student loses 4 extracurricular activities per year. After a student’s activites have been depleted—usually around the end of the M-2 year—the activities of daily living start to slide. Several M-3’s no longer brush their teeth,” cites data analyst Stephen Worthington.
When asked about his extracurricular activities, M-2 John Harbison angrily replies, “I haven’t practiced my flute in months! Let alone participate in my Wednesday night Oprah Book Club at the local library!! I used to consider myself well-rounded, but I feel like a damned hexagon these days.”
There is great interest in the longitudinal outcomes of this study. Many wonder if a well-rounded doctor is an incongruent idea—like trying to force a pentagon into a triangular hole.
Joshi Appalled at Surgery Rotation's Dissimilarity to "Grey's"
 M3 Gayatri Joshi is exceedingly disappointed with her general surgery rotation, stating that her expectations were more in line with the surgery program modeled by the hit television show Grey's Anatomy.
Joshi states, "I was so excited about my surgery rotation! But the day it began, my world was turned upside down! I've never once seen Meredith Grey wake up at 4 a.m., round on her patients, and spend the entire day doing hernia repairs!"
"And, I mean, as far as I know, there aren’t ANY residents having sex with attendings! What’s the deal? There is no way that I could actually pursue a surgical residency at a lame place like this," says a distraught Joshi.
Joshi is still not ruling out the possibility of a surgical residency. When questioned about her future, she firmly states, "As my current rotation is teaching me, there is only one safe option for a general surgery residency program, and that is Seattle Grace Hospital."
Also relatively unimpressed with her internal medicine rotation, Joshi comments, "I don’t think I like internal medicine at Mizzou, but I think I would fit right in at Princeton Plains Hospital with Dr. House."
"99" not enough for Selby
 Mathematically speaking, 99 is the highest known two-digit number. Until now.
Prior to the 2006 USMLE season, the highest achievable two-digit score was well-accepted to be 99, but Student Doctor Selby had a higher number in mind. After logging in over 3000 hours studying for Step One and reading Harrison’s four times, Selby not only accomplished his goal but exceeded his own expectations.
“I study my fair share, don’t get me wrong, but I never thought I could defy logic by receiving a higher two-digit score than 99.” Selby, who racked up a 45 MCAT score, now has a new plaque to hang in his future office.
According USMLE officials, Selby achieved the newly invented score of “9¥”. Constable Ben Larson states, “We at the NBME like to recognize genius with special designation. And for that reason, we created this unique score. Of course, any student with a score of “9¥” is guaranteed to match in any field.”
When asked for comment on his achievement, Selby noted, “Yeah, well, that’s why they call me SDS.”
Jill Webster becomes the next Megan Dulohery!
 For the past few years, students have enjoyed receiving emails about such important subjects, like “Where are we going on Thursday night?” and “Come out and help Angela celebrate her birthday!” But those days have fallen by the wayside. With busy clinic schedules to tend to, Megan (MEEEEE-gan) has passed the torch.
“I just hope I’ve trained her well enough,” worries Dulohery. “Without my guidance, she could make vital errors in the mailing list, perhaps not sending it to enough people.” With a concerned look on her face she said, “I don’t even want to think about what will happen if she forgets the exclamation points."
Webster knows the value of her work. “Without my emails to the school, how will people know when to party?” said Webster. Indeed, this is true. In a recent poll of students, over 64% said they were socially-clueless when it came to knowing when to party. Another 30% stated they didn’t know how to party. Furthermore, only three percent said they felt comfortable partying alone.
With numbers like these, we can only pray Webster has what it takes. Good luck!
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