M3 Class Retains "Worst Class Ever" Title

After a long, deliberate selection process, the OME knew they had selected a top-notch group of students. Armed with incentives and a host of Conley Scholars in their hip pocket, Dr. Hosakawa and the rest of the crew were guaranteeing success. They have finally done it. For the first time in 13 years, the M1 class, affectionately called the "Medical Mensa," has taken the title Best Class Ever.

There is a downside to every upside. The M3 class, not-so-affectionately referred to as the "Black Flock," has regained the title of Worse Class Ever following their initial efforts on clinical clerkships.

M2s are relieved that their crown of stupidity was passed on to another class. Kay Rodgers states, "After last year's article in the Bearded Dean, I went home and cried. I walked the halls with a monkey, a big dunce monkey, on my back all year. It feels so good to know you're smarter than someone." Fellow M2 Divya Gallapudi adds, "Dude I'm going to totally punk them out with my big brain."

First year students are dumbfounded, literally. When asked about the proclamation, M1 Amanda Bail replied, "I've always thought I was smart, but this. Well...this is just real nice." Classmate Ryan Cravens said, "Nobody does it up bigger than da M-Whizzles."

Plans are already in the works to recruit a better class for 2012. Mizzou has had such success with their Conley scholarship program that they have decided to institute a new scholarship along the same lines. Its called the Proud Prodigy Program, offered to students who have shown outstanding scholastic aptitude following the completion of the third grade.

New mother Margaret Day has already begun preparing her daughter for entry into this program. "I'm a Nervous Nelly that he won't get in," she said. "But, I have been showing Dr. Krause histology DVD's instead of Baby Einstein, and I swear I heard "pleomorphic" come out of her mouth yesterday!"

USMLE Step 2 CK Bulletin

Notice: Taking advantage of medical student neurosis, the NBME has decided to throw a bug into every 100 Step 2 examinations. Instead of asking a "level-9-ultra-challenge-question," they have decided to just make the program lock up.

An NBME representative stated, "We want to give them a good kick in the pants and observe how they can handle the stress."

One afflicted victim said, "I saw it happen. I freaked. I cried. Then I got angry and stabbed the moderator in the eye."

Student Clinic Gains Support

After 13 previous tries, the Free Student Clinic has finally become a reality. David Atashroo, who pioneered the Humanism in Medicine campaign, is back once again with a crusade that he believes is better than what you can come up with.

“The student clinic is about people,” Atashroo stated. “We look at it as a way to take care of the most down-on-their-luck addicts we can find.”

The OME is behind the idea one-hundred percent. “We love the idea of funding this project,” said Dr. Rachel Brown. “We can’t think of anything better to do with $30,000 each month, than to rent a building to host a student-run clinic. In fact, we can’t wait to pay the extra insurance needed to keep it afloat.  This is especially worthwhile in light of recent loan redistributions that have left medical students unable to pay high health insurance premiums.  Not only will they serve as volunteers at the clinic, many will be patients as well.

Others are less optimistic. “What physician in his right mind is going to put his license at risk for a bunch of dumb kids,” commented Dr. William Roland. “Yeah, that’s what I want, to supervise 10 students in clinic all day. Why don’t I just give them my house, car and boat and call it a day. That’d be a lot easier.”

“We’ve heard the arguments against us,” said Atashroo. “But we’re focused and we think we’ve got a plan to take care of all problems previously encountered.”

It seems every class has M4 Emily Lange stated, “We couldn’t get the money we needed.” M3 Jill Webster said, “We couldn’t get anyone to sponsor us.” And M2 Molly Keegan explained why the OME shot her down, “They said I should come back later. Then, when I returned they were gone. So, I gave up."

Up against incredible odds, the muskateering crew has written a constitution and amassed a following. The Bearded Dean will follow this matter closely in coming issues.

When asked for comment, local homeless personality TB Muelheisen told the BD, “Yeah, it’s a great idea, I guess, but I think I’d rather be seen for free by real doctors at the Family Health Center downtown.”

MU Medical Student Still Lacks Student Loans

A delay in the dispersement of student loans at the University of Missouri-Columbia continues to plague those who need the money for living expenses.  Medical student Tiffany Bohon, M3, was unable to come up with the $350 for her September rent she owed her landlord, M4 Jake Quick.  So, in desperation, she collected her belongings which, not surprisingly, included only a jar of peanut butter without a lid, a wig, and a spray bottle of Febreeze, and moved into a bush on East Campus.  “It’s nice being outside,” she says.  “Nobody bothers me here, and I can bum wireless internet from the fraternity boys living inside this apartment.”

Several people have tried to help Bohon, a self described “good Midwestern girl” who says she does not feel it is right to blame anyone for this “unintentional error”.  M2 David Atashroo, who “hopes every day for a greater capacity to love” (Facebook), offered her a spot in his own bed.  When told of his offer during lunch, Bohon immediately lost her appetite and put away her peanut butter jar.  M1 Trevin Mayabb said he and his wife just bought a king size bed, but this was also refused.

When the Bearded Dean confronted Quick about his decision to evict her, he said, “Fuck that.  Pay up.”  Not satisfied with that answer, the BD did some digging into Quick’s financial records which revealed that he, too, had not yet received his financial aid and was about to lose his duplex.  When asked about it, Quick replied, “Fuck that.”  School of Medicine Financial Aid guru Cheri Marks was apologetic about the situation and felt that she had been duped by the main campus.  Apparently the problem started when a group of medical students charged into Jesse Hall late last Spring and demanded funding for a free medical clinic.  “It was one of those ‘If the state supports a clinic with doctors like Green Meadows, it has to support our clinic too” sort of things…I had to pay up,” states a wearied Director of the Budget Office Tim Rooney.  “How could I deny these sorry looking souls?”

Acknowledging that winter is coming, Bohon is looking for a warmer living environment.  She tells the BD that she recently took a look at the VA tunnel and is considering it.  Come spring, though, she hopes her shrub will still be unoccupied.  “I’m a survivor, you know?  You just gotta be positive.”  As of publication time, Bohon was seen standing outside the future location of the Mizzou Free Clinic with a fever and productive cough waiting for some health care.

Cashiers Office says “Ben Dover”

Medical school is the about the most expensive thing you can do. To get through it you have to give up years of fun, including those in undergrad for most. You miss out on drinking yourself into a coma every night. You miss your friends and family. You give up money you could’ve been making at a much more lucrative career… and it costs most of us at least one-hundred thousand dollars.

So, after all that. After all the sacrifices. The finance department decided to give us a gift: We get to pay interest and late fees on overdue accounts, that they created to be overdue. It is a genius plan really.

Cheri Marks, the School of Medicine’s financial aid coordinator, says, “I think what we have here is a failure to communicate. It has always been the plan to pretty much screw everyone in the system.” She adds, “Was this not clear from the beginning?” 

Students are outraged at this new development.  M3 Jen Jolley commented, “We’re going to burn this muthaf@cker down!” After much deliberation and thought on the matter, M2 Brandon Cornelius decided, “Something seems fishy.”

“Even though you have received a check from MU based on your financial aid, your loans have not been certified or disbursed. Loans will likely not pay until October, so your bill will look confusing until then,” added Marks.  “Besides that, the Office of Medical Education has been eating Shakespeare’s daily on the M3 class account.  And we thank you for that.”

When asked for comment, the cashier’s office released a memorandum: “We’ve instituted a new chief of financial affairs, Ben Dover. He’s begun to tighten the screw on our budgeting system.”  When asked for a comment, he simply stated, “Doctors are rich. Gotta make a make somewhere.”

In defense of Cheri Marks, who has done a bang-up job considering the fuster cluck that is “MyZou,” an anonymous source has given us a tip on the whereabouts of recently retired Conway Jones.  The source simply stated, “Well, I don’t know exactly what happened.  But, he seems to have come into…well…a lot of new money upon retiring.  I believe he’s fishing off the coast of Acapulco.  Smoking Cuban cigars.  Apparently he’s signing checks under the alias: “Direct Federal Loans.”

Is the Dean Dyin’?

HPI:  134 y/o white male presents to the Emergency Department with chief complaint of chest pain.  He was ruled out for AMI, but CXR reveals a fractured left ventricle.  Upon further questioning, the Dean disclosed that he has been incredibly depressed recently (SIG E CAPS = 8/8 with a suicidal plan to jump off Maryland Ave. Garage).  Upon further questioning about stressors, pt tearfully admitted that he is distraught with the fact that no one from the M1, M2, or M3 class has stepped up to carry on his legacy. 

PMH:  Tinea barba

Surg:  Pt had “bad humours” drained from his cranium during his childhood

Fam:  CAD, DM type II, Liddle’s disease

Social:  Pt lives alone in a bronzed plaque around the corner from the OME.  Has smoked a pipe for 93 yrs with no intention to quit.  Drinks 1 scotch on the rocks per day.

Allergies:  Ether

ROS:  Negative except for mild erectile dysfunction.

Physical:
            HEENT:  Huge, really sweet beard.
            Resp:  CTAB
            Heart:  Bradycardia, melancholy rhythm, depressing holosystolic murmur
            Abd:  Bugs Bunny tattoo
            Extremities:  Old

Assessment:  134 y/o male with broken heart likely secondary to neglect.

Plan: 
1.  Cardiology consult to repair fractured ventricle
2.  Zoloft 500 mg bid
3.  Encourage all M1’s, M2’s, and M3’s to save the Bearded Dean before it’s too late.

We need people to take over the tradition. If you're interested in saving the Dean, email us. 

Least surprising:
5.  Alison Wolters – Infectious Disease.
4.  Shayna Norman – Pregnancy Termination.
3.  Kerry Massman – Oncology.
2.  Ryan Hunsel – Emergency Medicine.
1.  Brenon Abernathie – Plastic Surgery.

Top 10 things every first year should know (before the OME corrupts you)

10. Antidepressants are cheap…. Take them often.
9. It doesn’t matter how smart you are… if you’re tutor’s name is Blake or Thai, prepare to feel like an idiot.
8. Surveys are not used to further your education… they are used to give the excessively-staffed OME something to do.
7. Don’t worry you’ll do well on the first PBL exam.
6. Take your first PBL score, now subtract 20 points… you’ve just calculated your second PBL score.
5. Do not purchase the Panoptic attachment for your otoscope.  If already purchased, enjoy your new $500 paperweight, jackass.
4. Become close friends with the fourth years.  This will ensure many free shots on match day.
3. Hooking up with classmates, bad idea.  Hooking up with attractive upperclassmen, great idea.
2. Just wait… it gets worse.
1. Go out and party… you can sleep in lecture.

ERAS Personal Statement of the Month

I am surgery in human form. Reflecting on my career to date, I've come to one conclusion: I am awesome. I have met several residents from your program, and I know more answers to pimp questions than they do. Did you know that? They fear me in the OR, but it's all good. Furthermore, every morning I wake up and piss excellence. In addition, I am Army. Have you heard of the Army of One? Who do you think the "one" is? If you said me, you were right. I am excited that you will have the opportunity to meet me soon. Please do not ask for autographs unless you're willing to pay. Hoo-ah!